this is my last day to splurge and to be irresponsible. i have to rearrange my life. no yosi, no food, no alcohol, no cards. yosi ok pa, but the others no. i want to buy that study table i saw here at megamall!!!

grrr. all the "good" guys have them!!! dammit!! do i need a change of image just so i can have 1??? i dont want to sound desperate but the fact na i see them is irking me!!! am i that bad?? hmph.

nov19- alex was ok as usual. im beginning to like the guy. all the time i was afraid id stutter and just break out because paulo declined my request to add him as a friend in my friendster. but im okay now.

nov20- haha. second class sa instituto. im talking to my classmates na.

nov21- was out with norge. girl bonding. all the other stuff are at my journal. dont have to say a lot of things here since my friends read this.

nov22- went to my tita's house. bonding with my other relatives. haha. still asking if i have a girlfriend. my pms friends went to EK. emceesd R's debut. she has cute cousins i swear!!! then went to timog and slept at A's house. kaloka, a guy friend of mine slept beside me and then made yakap! well, nothing too much there.

nov23- nothing.

nov24- slept at olive's house. S has a sexlife again!!! i dont.

nov25- didnt go to school (admu). went with noy at megamall. paulo's a part of my past already. it's enough that i humiliated myself too much.

hey. hi. im so sorry if i sound so creepy. iknow ive been scaring you. i dont even understand myself. i was never like this before. if you can still remember, i was your classmate at acuna's philo 1 class. the fat boy who wore shorts all the time. and always at the back. i was also at your sts class, accompanying my best friend from uppms. i was ellen's classmate at span2, but i dropped that class coz i was having problems at home. i got your picture from that org offering to take pics of crushes. i was also the one who posted those cheesy poems at AS. i know, that was very sick of me. my friends were even telling me to back off. pero i had to tell you how i felt (or what i thought i did.)

it's funny. im falling for someone i never really knew. even just a hi or hello didnt happen. thought i was going crazy. but then i realized maybe you were just the kind of guy i was looking for. chinito, maputi, smart. there were times na ill just stare at you while making arguments. and smile at that scene. you busy writing, with the sun making you glow. darn. im at it again.

dont worry. i wont bore you with my musings or bother you again. i just needed closure. i wont explain everything i feel here. cancelling my friend request was the sign i was looking for. and i respect your decision. now i guess i can move on. i wont have to question fate anymore. or blame proximity and relativity. i just wanted to get this off my chest.

thanks. i know. im crazy. so crazy.

saturday- was ok. went out with M. met him at malate. hehe. #1- i saw someone i wish i didnt see. i was shocked and my blood was boiling. basta. i wrote the reason at my journal. #2- J from 4-A saw me with my date!!! eeeew! i was so shocked! now the rumor mill must be working. darn. he called me coffeeboy!!! i am worried. coz J is a close friend of C, my high school whatever. grrr. #3- i saw, God forbid, K!!! eeeew!!!!!!!!!!!! he's so panget. my psycho ex. grrrrrrrr.#4- i saw P and G from my work. grabe. they saw me with my date. i was so embarrassed. everything went well naman e.

sunday- talked to G, boyps ni olive. dont wanna rant. everything's settled na kasi so it's not really an issue. im just glad they're ok.

monday- flew by so fast i dont know what happened. oh, we went to M's dad's wake. darn it. when everyone else around you dies, it means you're old. and being old is what i dont want to be. nakakatakot tumanda. lalo na in my case. this day O and G talked. haha.at Starbucks! with McDo! i couldnt ask for more. bought the comedy of errors.

tuesday- went to school late. had the weirdest talk with my best friends. eeeew. we were so Sex and the City. we were ranting how "mabait" people always get the good guys. darn it! are we that bad??? and please, if we're really "bad," we should be ms.universe 3 times over!!! and then E said this classic line: we have to prettify, the competition is tougher for us now. hahaha. boys are either losers or gay. or worse, taken. what is wrong with the world????

then i went to my 1st class. darn, all of them were over 25!!! i think i am the only one who's below 20. oh, J is below 20 too. E, who made hatid me, is 24. there were teachers, mothers, lovers, gay people and priests in our class. good luck to me.

wednesday- went to greenhills. i bought white shoes and watched scary movie. haha. i was with G, O, Ma and Mi. darn it. i was the fifth wheel for the second time!!! anyway. im out for a date today. with A. darn i just found out, P cancelled my friendster request. putangina. i hope my day ends good. i love P. i just hope he realizes that. i hope.

stalking 101:
1)when he's your classmate, try to sit close to him and count the number of seats separating you. then pray the professor will give out a sheet of paper for the attendance. voila! you know his name without being too interested while roll calls and you'd know if he writes like a hen.
2)when clicking yourself to boredom and you don't know what to do, why not put his name on the search box and surf for stuff about him! this way you'll know what he's been up to. you can even know that he likes ziplocks and yes, you can find out his email address too.
3)when you chance upon him, and your paths are literally about to cross, make panggap you don't see him. and when he isn't looking, turn about face and follow him!
4)if you see him around with a person that much, be on the look out for this person too. you might be surprised to know that she's your classmate in your next span class. befriend her girl!
5)when he seems to be walking to the parking lot, stop at a very discreet place and try to zoom in on his plate number and what car he uses. so the next time you see a red lite ace, your heart can just beat to hallelujah and praying that his plate is ***-***.
6)know his course and college. when bored, ask a friend to accompany you for a joy ride at the ikot jeep. then, when you drive by his college, operate with your bionic eyes and look if he's there.
7)if chances are that he's there. go down!!! drag your friend agad without expalaining! pretend you're just brisk walking and then a few meters away try to hail a jeepney. you're already chuffed!
8)when all the jeepneys are full, and you see him coming to your direction, as if hailing an ikot too, freeze! pretend he's not there and make your peripheral view work na lang.
9)if it's really difficult to hail a jeep, and he decides to walk, follow!!!!
10)when your org is doing a movie preem, offer to post posters at his college! you don't know what wonders you'll find there, like his GWA, his course, his middle initial, etc.
11)when you're bored again, accompany your friend to her STS class. if you're lucky, he's gonna be there too. and you'll spend your time ogling instead of trying to understand boring group reports! u have another class with him and you're learning STS in advance! you can even try to sit near him. haha.
12)when all else fails, check friendster. and curse coz you were trying to forget about him and then you find him oh-so-cute in his picture. the perfect guy for you. darn!

oh my God!!! it's Christmas again!!! haha. it's the time of the year O and i have been waiting for. hehehe. happy chrisatmas harry! happy christmas ron!!! haha. now i have a reason to go to starbucks! that coffeecup with the christmas feel. i wonder how it would look this time. last year i had this white one with snow flakes. from baguio!i love christmas!!!

here i am, reading my closest-friend-at-the-moment's blog. darn. i feel really guilty. i never ever thought my personal problems can affect my friends that much. i can just cry now, but it's too embarrassing. haha. ye. it's true. sometimes i make judgments that aren't sufficient. ive been pressing her in-demand relationship activities but i don't notice how much she's there for me and actually listen. it's a girl friend thing that i wouldn't wanna waste by being her emotional vampire. ha! i think i deserve the drama queen title.

i almost forgot!!! BJ, my new crushee is from CSB, and he's one of the finalists for the MTV Fashionista thing. hehe. Cervantes is just behind CSB. *grin* well.
i think i'm ready to date. i had one last week and it was interesting. Cosmo's helpful though. haha. i'm tired of oversexed boys. at least i have the courage to say no. i'm technically a virgin. and i'm proud of that. boys will come, surely. hmmm. makes me think, what if i went out with girls this time??? haha. the last boy-girl date i had was in high school.
hay. girls are out there. pero i snub them. baka naman i'm just fixated with P na i forgot about everything else? if only P can read this. i hope he'd understand. i'm glad my friends are here. tama yung sinulat ko sa answer sheet nun sa Inquirer: i am pessimistic but my friends can always cheer me up.

i just came from Instituto Cervantes. whew! the guy at the desk told me that i'd have a diagnostic exam so i freaked out coz i left my trusted pen to R when i met her earlier at wendy's to talk about her party. so we were there (F was with me), and i was just ranting how forgetful i was, so we decided to go around the area and look for a store where i can buy a pen. when we came back, we just read the newspapers (they have, like, 4 broadsheet subscriptions. whoa nelly.) spread all over the table. the OC in me was revolting so i just had to fix the mess and arrange all the newspapers in one stack. grrrr.
then a caucasian señora approached me, greeted me buenas tardes. right then and there, i almost froze. b-b-bu-buena-buenas t-ta-tardes (with a smile), i replied.
then she motioned me to a corner, while i tried to get
my pen.
after 5 minutes of talking, in Spanish (and English coz i cant fucking talk straight in Spanish!!!!), we were done. the diagnostic "exam" was over.
sayang 20 bucks ko!!!!
well, i'll be having classes at ateneo starting tuesday. darn. have to shy away from the usual people for a while. i love my orgs, but they're draining me of my energy. super bad trip. i have my responsibilities, i know, but with the present crises i have, i'd rather feel good for myself and get the ire of people for that.
im thinking of sending P a message. darn it!!! i shouldn't. not yet.
had a night out with my girl__friends (two words) last night. usual talk. but we can talk a lot free-er since there are no guys around. and oh, we went on an all-out binge!!!! haha. it's nice to just let loose and forget about my worries woith friends and never mind the calories i take in. just talk and my friends. then coffee afterwards. haaay.

i am a dying sunflower
withering with hunger
how i wish you could see in me
you bring life most colorfully
how come you try to ignore me
when you know my life has been rooted on thee?
i always wait for the morning
can't you hear me calling?
can't you feel my soul's plea
for your recognition amongst the many?
coz no matter how i reach for you
your sky's too vast for me to get thru
how many times have you caught me staring
just dying to know your thoughts and feelings?
do my soulful words mean naught to you?
how you rule my dreams, do you have a clue?
i know i've made a fool of myself
loving you for more than moons of twelve
i am a wilting, withering sunflower
my heart, my soul can never recover
but i know that God will give me that closure
to help me realize we're not meant together
but *bleep!*, i pray, i hope you'll remember
you were once my sun, i, your sunflower

the sunflower
jaycee (september2003)

it's been quite a while since i last saw you
i must admit, i've never been so blue
it's like the gloomy heavens feel what i do
as i hold back every tear, whenever i think of you

as seconds pass without you in my way
my heart keeps on crying, where remnants of you lay
i wallow in loneliness, in despair, in vain
coz in my mind you're a permanent stain

i tried to reach you, at least let you know i'm here
but you kept your distance, like i'm something to fear
just when i though i've finally found the one
it's then i realize, in my life, you'd rather you're gone

it's time for me to let you go, without really having you
my lunacies have ended, my pains have reached their due
yet, on a lonely night, look at the skies, so dark, so blue
and remember, i was like the vivid moon, just watching over you

closure
jaycee (july2003)

here i am again. just staring at P. haha. so sue me. damn it. i can't do anything better than this. haha. he's just there. a picture. nothing more. can i hold him? no. can i talk to him? yes. will he answer? no. can i look at him? no. will he stare back, and talk with just his beautiful pair of eyes? no. darn. im obsessed. and crazy. someone wake me up!!!!!

i'm here at katipunan with O. we had lunch at mcdo, my fave place in the world!!! haha. we talked about how her wallet is related to the men in his life. of course i talked about how dinner went last night. haha. it was ok. and of course, P was THE main topic. can i help it??? im just waiting for confirmation. darn it. i hate this. im torturing myself again. why am i like this??? aahhhhhhhh!!!! i have to forget, and then this. grrrrr.

"How do I say goodbye to someone I never had? Why do
tears fall for someone who was never mine? Why is that
I miss someone I was never with? And I wonder why I
love someone who was never mine?"

puta. pamatay yang line na yan huh??? i swear. i almost cried when i read it. hmmm. it's kinda embarrassing because im at a net cafe. grrr. Lord, please help me out.

i added him to my friendster. if he doesn't want to add me, then all else will be over for me. yun na lang closure na im waiting for. darn. i cant think well. what's happening to me???

he's still cute. my heart beat really fast. im just staring at his pic. just that. im sad. i need to unwind. and cry my heart out. just cry and cry and cry. :c i lied again. haven't forgotten about him. pero im not madly in love. kawawa naman ako if ever. am about to cry here.

darn. i just saw paulo's friendster page. what in the world is happening? hehe. he's still cute. but i've forgotten about him already. i swear.

im here at megamall right now. i'm meeting someone. for the first time!!! darn it. i don't wanna sound like an eager beaver. hehe. it's time na. have to go to piadina already.

what is the harm in believing? ha! a very simple question. but hey, who can answer this without being so sentimental and irrational? i've seen a lot of people holding on to their beliefs, and fail. when will believing be so rewarding? don't give me that religion BS. im not good in that department. what im saying here are the things, the tangible ones, that frustrate people a lot.
love. when did love ever resurrect itself as the most regarded feeling in the world? tell me now before i shut my pc off. ha! it took that long did it?
(to be continued... my angst is diminishing)

if God were my dad, i dont think ill be like this. i hope he were. im bored and tired. need to relax and chill!!!!!

i had this guy ask me out for a date. and yet he's not calling nor texting. carries's right, you cant have everything at the same time. here are what would make me feel complete:
perfect pair of jeans
a body scrub
a guy i can call mine, and i'll be his
a nice paying job i actually like
2 degrees: journ and European language
nice sneakers
lifetime supply of m&m's peanuts
lots of books
my own apartment
TV and radio
well, ill think of some more...

sorry i havent been around. i had THE talk with my dad. i felt stupid coz i was mocking him. i know, we aren't close. and i let that barrier come between us. i feel like a jerk. he was worried kasi na i wasnt studying na. just bumming around. he talked to me. and i was angry. coz that's what always happens when we have a talk. i think ive been trying so hard to keep him off my life. i didnt think he was that serious. he even tried to talk my ninangs into talking to me seriously. i feel bad. and i hate myself. damn!
right now i'm out of UP temporarily. i might be studying at Instituto Cervantes, while trying to get a more permanent-ish job as a dj. haha. all my plans are set. won't be going to law anymore. i have so many plans i dont know which will push through. haha.
i didnt know so many things can happen in a matter of days. one day i was just chilling, the next im contemplating my future.
am i being so stupid again? ive been leading my life to nowhere. my work and friends are the things that are holding me together. darn.
i am growing up. and it's the last thing i'd want to talk about. i sure wanted to be independent but things are crazy right now. i need a shrink.

oct31-went to my friend's house. gosh. we were planning my friend's debut. i thought about everything. from her clothes to the table settings to the room feel to the invitation. shucks. tedious. good thing i'm a guy. err, not that good, really. hehe. and then we transferred to another friend's house. just stayed there and talked about a lot of things again. love, school. ha!
nov1- nothing much. i'm kinda guilty coz i was checking outt people. no cuties!!! haha. just a few. north cemetery is big. you can't just find cuties. i found them when we were going home already. haha!1 anyway, classes are just days away. i hate my academics!!!