nothing much. just my thoughts and any triviality i encounter. prepare to be bored by my usual whines about single-"blessedness" and age problems. and oh, did i mention relationships?????

Sunday, October 03, 2004

today is definitely the loneliest day of my life.

eversince bleep cleared out that he didnt want us to date exclusively, hmm, coz of some commitment jitters, ive been trying so hard not to look bitter. ive been laughing and hanging out with my teammates more, i smoke, i diet, etc; as if nothing happened. i really thought everything was going well, if you read my blogs a week ago. i even told my mom about him. i misled myself again, but then, what can i do? i cant control other people's feelings. right now, im not texting bleep until he texts me. i dont wanna look bitter, but i think making myself look more than ok would be fooling myself. i dont want that. today, i saw him at the office not just one time, but a lot of times! it was weird, but i felt a bit relieved. i dont know what he's thinking of right now, but id rather play it a bit cool for a while. as josh said, we should stop role-playing. it's so sad.

as for that UP guy, we went out, and i found out things that were abit enlightening for me. he was dating someone also. i dont know. when i asked him if we could give dating a try, his answer was, "ewan ko." welcome back to the dark ages!!

what did i do today? i went to megamall again, some recreation time for me after 5 days of boring work. it has become a habit for me to come there and watch a movie and eat at mcdonalds. AND meet my friends. UNLUCKILY, my orgmates never got to arrive earlier, and i was becoming shifty. imagine me, eating at mcdonalds, staying at the SINGLES area. what's worse? 3 people went there, with one of them lacking a seat. i can feel their piercing stares telling my ass to get the hell out of there. i was there, binging on a supersized honest addiction/comfort food, in a badly lighted corner, where everyone seeing you alone, talking to your cellphone.

it dawned on me, at the foreboding alone-ness i was feeling that was coming, even my tried and tested friends couldnt be there for me. not that im blaming them, but is this God's way of telling me- this isnt your day ineng, better luck next time.

i dont know what to do. after telling myself this is so not your day, i went here at philcoa. alone. i am not too positive about the next few days.

about the so-called men in my life -or should i say kind of on the border of my life- it's better to distance myself for a while. i dont wanna seem too easy anymore. like im so dispensable. easy come easy go? no way. id rather wait for the right one and not make pilit. i did what i could to make them i feel that i really want to start something with them, i guess it's about time they did something and proved they were worthy of my time. hmmm... someday? when i decide to be straight again? tough luck. hasta luego!