from xx/xy: honesty doesnt exist in a healthy relationship

i asked my friends this querry when i held my birthday celebration last last month at napoli's. much to my dismay, people were such in a jovial mood that they disregarded my asking.

it's been in my head for quite a short time. im not saying that im having problems with my relationship, but i found recently some things that will probably make you go hmmm as well.

i wont put this in my blogs to let you know my partner isnt being loyal, coz whatever i may write regarding this matter is a "non-real" problem for me, since i dont know what it really means to him. he's the only one who can drive my suspicions away.

and also, i am not snooping. i stumbled upon these facts by accident. thanks to instant "connexion."

here it goes:

i was happily surfing the net one time, (just to make it sound so unimportant, really), when i pressed abutton i shouldnt have. you see, the pc we use has this bookmarking thing, where there is a list of all sites important to him. (i wouldnt know how to do that, pc's make me crazy) i was choosing which one to use since we sometimes have the same sites. being all too clumsy, i pressed on connexion.org.

the rest of the night was confusing. i wanted to ask him right away if he were downright flirting with a certain people there. but i wasnt that brash. i wanted to see him come clean with it on his own.

some excerpts:

boyps: i need this to at least to prepare for my future.. extra income...

me: where was the "us" part? he said this to a guy named pablo. who's been "adoring" him for being such a "beautiful person."

boyps: i just try to live everyday.. try to reach for my goals now kasi dati im so irresponsible... i have learned my lesson and now im trying to fix it...
how about you? how is life for you? i bet you are a straight path type of guy! hehehe

me: very safe answers

pablo: you are your own man, ringo;and i cant help but gasped in awe how beautiful you are...
i hope to be friends with you

me: the stupid jealous me would say that is downright flirting!!!!! but the rational me would say, oh, friendly huh?

boyps: im cool.. i decided to work as customer service representative. im actually working as a freelance interior design consultant and a real estate agent.. selling condo units... i added another job since i am taking care of my godfather now. ... i have to do good.. i was looking for a direction and purpose with my life.. now i found it.. my dear old godfather... life is tough.. but im still hanging there... i just smile and say... bring it on.. heheheh

me: im not being too egocentric or whatever, but i believe he tells me i am one of the reasons he is working three jobs right now. i bet you would honestly say that to a "friend" right ? i cant put all their conversations here coz im not a complete bitch. now everthing is about his ninong. im quite confused. if you read through their messages, it's all serious: just like how we talked before. i wonder why he is opening up to this guy, and ever failing to comment on how "he is trying really hard to make our relationship work despite the tough times we have due to being both independent. i thank jaycee for coming into my life because he was there when i was feeling so down and being a dark soul."

call me self loving. call me irritable. call me stupid.

i cant understand why he would have convos like that to a person if he's not flirting "mentally."

there's also this guy carlos, who he told me wouldve been his boyfriend had i not come along. it was a message last may where he told the guy, "i miss our conversations." we were running a month back then.

there's a guy named tx who kept on telling him, "i really wanna make love to you, it'll be fun." his reply, when are you coming to manila?

i know. im nosey and i deserve slapping. i trusted him so much. so i cant believe what i read that night. do i have the right to have suspicions about these? or he is he just being too"friendly" to people?

i wanted to ask him to stop talking to these people but that would be unfair. i wanna bring this up with him but that would be a fight. i know.

one time, i was talking to a friend on the phone, WHILE HE WAS HERE, and i cant believe he had the guts to ask, "are you flirting?"

aaarrghhh.

now, i think my connection will terminate in a few minutes. hehehe. ill continue next time.

but before that, i told olive what he had to do to make me feel secure. back off talking to these people that way. he hasnt mentioned me like i was non existent in their "ringo and pablo only world." it was intellectual flirting and i dont like it.

i am jealous. coz i dont want to have any problems with him. it's unfair to him, but too bad i found out.

if he doesnt mention me to pablo anytime soon, i dont know what to do. it's either he's happy being "connected" to pablo all on his own, or he doesnt have the initiative to tell a wonderful person like pablo that he's taken. i am bad.

but i dont want him to stop communicating with these people. some of them he knew before me. but im afraid if he doesnt stop talking to them that way, ill have to live with it and die with it.

i am bad.

i am bad.