nothing much. just my thoughts and any triviality i encounter. prepare to be bored by my usual whines about single-"blessedness" and age problems. and oh, did i mention relationships?????

Thursday, February 10, 2011

random babbles: outside looking in

Outside Looking In

So I met up with an old friend this afternoon for early dinner. As a backgrounder, we used to have feelings for each other; but we never got around to being in a relationship. I can’t say that he’s the one that got away, because up to now we’re still good friends. He’s in a relationship with a guy who made him do things he used to view as unconventional, and that makes me happy for him.

After just a few minutes of talking, he dropped a bomb on me. “I think you’ve changed. You don’t have the same passion for life you used to have. You compartmentalize your life.” Okay, so I’m still riddled by the last sentence, but while we continued chatting, I found myself floating away from our conversation. I tried to recall how I was when he first met me. So carefree, so young, so fresh. I know, the old me sounds like a napkin commercial. But I realized that what he said was true.

Now, I’m just all about work. When I go home, I only spend ample time bonding with my family. With the fitness craze we have at the office, my officemates and I even met one weekend to play badminton, which means less time to spend for my other friends. And my “through the years” friends bring out the old me.

My Sex and the City days trying to be Carrie are done. I feel like a Miranda Hobbes who just met Steve. Content with one night stands, trying to surround myself with a wall. My friend, let’s call him Elmo, said this like trying to hit the bull’s eye only two feet away: “You like being good at your job, that you build a wall around you to save yourself from being vulnerable to love.” I almost cried, I just kept looking away from him. “I just don’t want you to become jaded.” Again, I looked away.

Am I on my way to being jaded and cynical? These are two adjectives I tried to shy away from. Another good friend, Olive, can attest how much I celebrated love. February was a favorite month of mine because I could see around partners doing cheesy things for each other. I have just compiled a collection of my poems about, guess what, love.

Am I just writing for the sake of writing? Will I be able to carry out the emotions I express through my poetry? When will all be real?

Just a couple of months ago I resolved to push myself into the dating world again. But I found myself holding back, always saying “I’m too busy.” Even sex was out of the question. In one post here, I mentioned how much I wanted to be lusted after, no luck there when I’m holed up in my room when I should be out meeting guys. My gay bro Ali has been dragging me to bars, but I just don’t have the courage to go around flirt, and the energy to do so.
They say the truth hurts; I guess that’s why I’m hurting. I admit that I’m the fat guy that boys run away from. What’s worse is that I don’t exert effort in running after them.

I need a man. Someone who will wake me up from hibernation. A man who will say: “It’s okay” when I say I’ll be working the whole day, won’t be texting as much but will still have him on my mind. But as Elmo put it, albeit right to my face: “Learn to compromise.” Work hard but don’t let that take time away from other important things. I’m dating someone right now, but I want to know that person fully well before I can say I “love” him.

Valentine’s Day is coming. It’s corny to think that I came out with this when my former favorite holiday is near. But I think that conversation with Elmo couldn’t have come in a better time.

Priorities set the way I live in different times. I can honestly say a relationship is not on top of my list, but I’ll try to put it up there. Hopefully I can meet someone who can be the match that lights up the fireworks inside me. By then, maybe I don’t have to be on he outside looking in.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

random babbles: anger, danger

i like coke commercials. i sometimes say in class that compared to pepsi, coke's commercials are more well-thought of. the conceptualization of these TVCs is a process i wanna be a part of. try to remember your favorite coke moment... (really, please do) mine would be their "holidays are coming" series. christmas lights me up, makes me feel good. so one time last week, i was watching TV, and a coke commercial was played. this is the one where people suddenly shake like crazy. i was flabbergasted. i hated it.

i hated the guy with over-ironed hair. i hated his friend beside him. i hated tricycles. i hated flirty girls. i hated youtube. i hated aliens. the TVC was an absolute horror. a disappointment. it was no way near the clever "hottah, hottah." i felt like i opened a present that i'd recycle next christmas. for days i avoided that commercial. i was wondering if coke's oasis of creativity ran dry.

and then i realized, why am i so angry?

lately, i've been having crazy thoughts of being bitchy and telling off anybody who got on my nerves. i know, that's so not me. so i got a bit retrospective. what do i hate the most?

-i hate people who think so highly of themselves. imagine being seated beside a person who can't stop praising himself. "oh, i look so good. don't you think i look so good?" i just want to stand up and say, "yes, honey, i think you look soooo good. and i'm glad because i can think. can you?" i'd rather get surprise compliments than force the idea on everyone. doesn't praising oneself too much make the self-comments invalid? i think now i know who created the mirror of erised...

-i hate people who take me for granted. like if i do one thing for you, do not expect me to do everything else for you, as you wish. fine, i was there when you needed help in choosing the right shoes. do you need me to look for the matching socks too? some people get too much comfortable in ordering people around. there's always a limit. a borderline. so don't get all depressed and angry if i decide to do something you don't approve. or something you didn't ask me to do. unless i'm on your payroll list. :)

-i hate people who don't know a thing about BPOs yet are sooooo critical of the industry. working in a call center is WORK. real, hard WORK. it's not a summer job i took because i wanted to buy the latest gadget in the market. a lot of families now are being supported by BPO employees. imagine my wrath when i realized that for one payday, my deductions can already support a family for two weeks! where else can you do that? (and yeah, that was only for one time. so don't message me and ask for libre.)

-i hate boys full of drama. oh cmon. read one of my notes here in fb. that guy alone can give me enough writing material to last me a lifetime. i don't believe that gay people are the most complicated species in the world. or maybe i'm just getting old.

hmmm... maybe that's it. i'm getting older. little things irritate me right away. i'm getting older, and fatter. i guess it's time that i practice what i preach. in our anger management class, we advise our participants that changing their lifestyle can change their life. a little less of something can give more positive things back. less time in consuming food, better metabolism. less cigarettes, more sleep. less cranky, more healthy. i have a good relationship with food. it satisfies me to the core. but i just have to reduce my intake. no crash diet. that's worse. no caffeine too. soda has caffeine right?

i guess that's why i hate coke, too. darn it.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

random babbles: the sex talk

last year was a lull. i only had sex with one guy and i slept with him twice. okay, okay. this seems shallow. but i thought that i was losing my groove. i used to have sex at least once a month. that was way back in 2006. what the hell was happening to me?

and then i tried to dig deep. no pardon for the pun.

i realized that my current job has something to do with it. you see, i'm a trainer. i don't only train new hires but i also train agents and non agents. when i saw how my colleagues were always at their best behavior, i knew i had to follow suit. i couldn't risk seeing someone i had rough sex with in my class. the horror that must have been. gossip is something that i don't feel comfortable with. especially when it's about me. (i heard people raised eyebrows when i applied as a trainer, but that's a different story.)

i even turned down some guys i have been communicating with thinking that someday they'll be my trainees. before, after talking to guys online, i usually meet them in a week or so, and then have them bang me. like crazy. now, i've began assuring myself that the person i'm flirting with is or will not be in nco. most of the guys i text end up thinking i'm boring and a bad lay. wtf? coz after all the teasing, i usually cancel at the last minute. teehee.

one more thing is location. i promised myself that i would only bring home a guy once we are committed to each other. and i've held my end of the bargain. i guess it's coincidental that a lot of guys don't have a place for effing. great.

hmm... what a sad story right? how can i fulfill my hierarchy of needs? my f*ck buddies are not around. i'm gaining more weight (read: unattractive). the happiest place in the world (my room) isn't anymore. my credibility is at stake. if there's any left.

i can honestly say that i need sex to feel good. i need to feel wanted. or to be lusted after. not that i'm a slut. (prudes stay out of this.) we all need something to make ourselves feel better. something to justify the smiles on our faces. relationships don't do it for me. gratifying sex does. people may judge me after this. i'm just saying what they can't.

so eff off. read someone else's notes. i miss five words i haven't heard for a while. "wham bam, thank you ma'am." i should hear that soon. referring to me.

Monday, January 10, 2011

new year

i am seriously going back to writing. i promise. i just don't have anything that interesting to post yet. :) happy new year!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

gay-ness does not translate to happiness

i had a conversation with a co-worker yesterday about having gay children, which kind of went to the "nature vs nurture" route, and i found myself replying with "it's a difficult situation." i was a bit vague with my answer because there are two ways to see it: difficult for the parents or difficult for the child.

i have been "out" for a couple of years, to a certain number of friends and acquaintances. heck, i can't even tell my dad that i am, and i wonder if he knows, or accepts me for that matter. i think that it took my mom quite a period of time to digest the long email i sent her years ago, because it took her three months to finally get to talk about the information i volunteered. i don't have a gauge on how hard it was for her to take. i could imagine her dreams of me being married and having children getting flushed down the drain. i felt like shit that time. i constantly checked my email to see if there was an answer to my unannounced question: would she take me for what i am?

knowing my mom, i kinda knew what the answer was. i just needed confirmation of what she felt about the topic. i guess i am lucky that i have a mother with a very open mind. this may be true: accepting that your kid is gay will take a lot of strength and willpower; but has anyone ever thought how it is for the child?

i'm always asked about this perpetual question: when did you ever know that you were gay? at this point, i wouldn't even remember the actual time i knew i was gay. but i know that in college, that was when i accepted what i was. when you are a child and people are teasing you because of the way that you talk and you behave, IT'S NOT EASY. processing all the taunting and negative comments is considered a burden for a gay child. i commend all those who realized what they are at a very early age. that means that for the long run, whatever they hear is quite normal for them already. it's more difficult for those who took a very long time before openly saying "yes, i am gay." i had to consider a lot of things: what would my parents say, what my family would say, who will take care of me when i grow old, etc. i saw myself as an abnormal person. like i didn't deserve to be happy. or i'm ashamed of what i've become.

the culture that we have here in the philippines still reverts back to the "oh-so-macho" era. and that's what i tried to follow. i had a moustache like everyone else had. i acted like a guy and hung out with mostly guy friends. but it eventually became tiring. to prove that you're a man in a daily basis is difficult.

the time that i came out was kind of good for me. being in UP was perfect, too. people say being liberal has a negative connotation. i say nay. the environment at school helped me little by little to accept myself and who i was going to become. i had that privilege, some others didn't. my friends were quick to respond about what i admitted. even my high school guy friends didn't say much. all the paranoia about how people regarded me was gone. although at times, even in the present, acquaintances still throw unconscious, insensitive comments and jokes about my sexuality. i take them lightly.

they don't know what i went through. they say they understand, but they could only sympathize. even dating in my world is very difficult. we don't adhere to the men are from mars thingy. gay people are more difficult to please nowadays. if you don't have a six pack, consider yourself as a bottom feeder, no pun intended.

i guess this is sort of my coming out piece. i must say thanks to Joan for making me think about this topic. parents are quick to think: would i be able to accept my gay child? consider the child and the hell he/ she goes through everyday. in a world where gays are viewed as handicapped citizens, the best thing that parents could do is to support the child. do not batter yourself if it was your fault or whatever. people are still debating about the "nature vs nurture" shit that's going on. unless you have a definitive answer for that, then don't make life more complicated as it is. they say life isn't easy. ask any gay man or woman, they might just give you a snap or two.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

i'm back

it has been two years since i last logged on, but i guess i can say it again: I'M BACK.

my brain has gone rusty. i've been trying to teach people but i end up losing track of my own growth.

i'm back and i'll try to write again.

i'm back and i'll find myself again.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

dahil wala ako magawa

1. Pag dinare ka na kiss same sex, gagawin mo?
♥ no need for a dare

2. Commute o drive ng car?
♥ drive, para pwede mag change route :)

3. San mo mas gusto tumira, dito o sa ibang bansa?
♥ dito, mas malaya ako :)

4. Kung magkakabahay kayo ng frends mo, sino sa mga friends mo gusto mo kasama? (min of 2 max of 5)
♥ mga Las Pinas housemates ko, as in lahat kame ulit

5. Pinaka astig na name ng person na narinig mo?
♥ jopra, nakasulat sa wall ng sm manila nung ginagawa pa

6. Pili ka para maging GF/BF, chinese, japanese, american, spanish, korean, pinoy?
♥ espanol. :)
8. May tao bang wala karapatan magmahal? sino 'tong tao na toh?
♥ wala. leche.

9. Kelan ka huling kinilig?
♥ nung nakita ko si alex ng pbb

10. Pili ka, 5 taon na utot ung hangin o 5 araw na umuulan ng tae pero wala ka masisilungan?
♥ puta naman o.

11. Sino sa mga friends mo pinaka matigas ulo pagdating sa love?
♥ putek. marami kayo! di na dapat pangalanan!

12. Tingin mo pag nagkabalikan ang mag EX, magwworkout pa?
♥ no. i dont think so.

13. Nakasakay ka na ba sa truck?
♥ di pa. :)

14. Ano “special” skills na kaya mo gawin?
♥ hahaha. nasa video ko e.

15. Long hair o short hair?
♥ long

16. Describe mo kung ano ang maganda/gwapo na person para sayo..
♥ gwapo? mga chinito tapos matangos ilong.

17. Kelan ka last umamin na may gusto ka sa isang tao?
♥ oh fart. tagal na.

18. Paborito mong streetfood?
♥ potek kahit ano wag lang yung mabantot na binebenta sa alabang. ambaho talaga,

19. Kung titignan mo buhay mo so far, ano mas madami, saya o lungkot?
♥ saya syempre. ako pa?

21. Anu ayaw mo sa ka-trabaho sa isang gawain o proyekto?
♥ yung lax lang. mga user-friendly leche.

22. Bakit may mga tao na sadyang tanga pagdating sa pag-ibig?
♥ naku naman. ewan ko sa kanila. (defensive)

23. Magkasama kayo ng GF/BF mo sa car, sira na ung breaks pati handbreak, sure na babangga kayo at mamamatay kayo, ano huli mo gagawin?
♥ touch ko bird nya, then say i'll miss him so much. hahaha. wag lang sana sya maweewee. :p

24. Sino sa barkada nyo bigla na lang “nawawala” at ndi nagpapakita ng matagal kapag nagkakaroon ng GF/BF?
♥ no comment.

25. Magbanggit ka ng 5 friends mo na masasabi mo na TRUE FRIENDS talaga.
♥ hmm.. groups e.. mga Einstein, PMS, some officemates, mga nasa featured friends ko, etc

26. Lilipat ka na ng bahay! Saang lungsod sa Metro Manila gusto mo lumipat?
♥ makati

27. Mamimiss mo ba lover mo kapag umalis na sya papunta states?
♥ nyeh.

28. Mahilig ka ba sa tokwa?
♥ yes. pati na yung baboy pwede?
29. Gusto ko na tumigil ______?
♥ magfinger.
30. Pano kapag umamin sayo friend mo na sobra tagal mo nang kaibigan na may gusto sya sayo, ano magiging reaction mo?
♥ pucha, wag lang babae.

31. LOVE. Hinihintay o hinahanap?
♥ deadma.

32. Anung gagawin mo mamaya?
♥ finger.

33. Anu last dream mo at anu sa tingin mo ang meaning nun?
♥ nakow. i forgot haha.

34. Pinaka cute na foreign accent para sayo?
♥ espanol. huhuhu.

36. Mahirap magmahal ng ______?
♥ hindi ka kilala. (sob)

37. Sa tingin mo, magkakaroon ba ng happy ending buhay mo?
♥ ewan

38. Ilang beses ka na nagkaroon ng UNLIFOREVER?
♥ weh.

39. Anung araw ang hinihintay mo?
♥ payday
40. Would you risk getting hurt to find happiness or would you rather play
tong its. tangnangshet. PMS reunion na to!!!

The Undergraduate Economy

The Undergraduate Economy

I am an undergraduate.

Way back in high school, I had high dreams for myself. I always took pride in my hopes of becoming the Philippines’ next top doctor or lawyer. My family saw me as the one to finish in an Ivy League-ish school and get the best jobs readily available for me.

However, things didn’t exactly go the way I wanted them to. When I got to my second year, my grandmother died and I was utterly devastated. I was depressed and acted stupid. There were subjects that I’d go to, but won’t listen to anything, until mid-sem came and I didn’t attend all my classes. I busied myself with my org and drank most of the time. When I’m bored, I’d accompany my friends to their classes, not mine.

I was like that for the rest of the semester. After the sem-break, I vowed to go back to form, but was only able to register two classes. Disappointed, I concentrated in one class and dropped the other. Although I got a 1.0 in my Span class, that was predictable already because I’ve studied the language for two sems.

Months after that, another tragedy came. My lolo had an accident and steel had to be inserted in his upper leg bone. Still not over my granny’s death, I was trying to be strong this time; but emotions got the best of me. At that time, the College of Science dropped me and I was studying at Instituto Cervantes. Since we had to take care of our lolo, I stopped again and became a full time aid at home.

Finances weren’t really good for me, because my mom and dad had their own families, so I decided to work. I promised myself I could maybe work for a year and then save a lot of money to help out at home then study on the side. But like all my other plans, that didn’t push thru. I was so into work and earning my own money that I forgot the important stuff.

Fast forward to today, I am jobless. My writing has been so bad I’ve stopped writing my blogs. I didn’t save any money, I don’t have a degree, I can’t ask money from my parents, I’m in a rut.

This may be something they call a quarter life crisis but what I have is self-imposed. I’ve always said that I won’t be one of those typical Filipino bums who work early, stops getting some education and depend on family members from abroad. So far, I’m not yet like that. Thank God.

Luckily though, I’ve had a good working experience. When not active in PDI, there’s one industry that is so dependable for my kind: call centers.

Though it’s good that I have something to look forward to for the meantime, I must admit that the call center lifestyle is not good for my health. I became more and more addicted to caffeine and yosi during my 4-year stint there. Adding up to the damage is the shifting schedules and type of bullcrap we had to go to just so we could “satisfy” customers who most of the time lie and curse as if words could kill me.

For undergrads like me, this is the easiest way to earn money. Just armed with confidence and a good vocab, I could walk in one morning and have a job in the afternoon. Sadly though, even those with poor English are accepted, which totally ruins the reputation we had when call centers were just putting up businesses here in the islands. I have nothing against those who aren’t fluent in English, but I’ve been very much around the business that I know some are accepted to fill spots to achieve hiring targets and get big bonuses. This is so, so sad. The demand has been so high, that quality doesn’t matter anymore. What’s worse is, because it is the “in” thing nowadays, anyone can believe that this is a good job to stay in, and I know people who literally put a stop to studying because of pressure from families and difficulty in money matters. The problem is, if Democrats win the next US election, call centers may be pulled out to employ US citizens.

I remember the time when the DH generation popped up. Pinays from the provinces, as young as 17, would travel to a foreign land and end up serving cruel employers. It didn’t matter whether they were able to step into college, as long as they knew how to do the laundry or clean houses, they’re in. There was much apprehension for a lot though when the Sarah Balabagan and Flor Contemplacion news broke out. And now, some countries have stopped accepting non-degree holders. Even Japan, where a lot of Filipinos are actually doing well, has shifted their demand for Pinoys from entertainers to caregivers. I tell you, nursing students are grabbing this chance and applying ASAP. No need for a degree, just finish a few sems and eligibility is no problem.

One more dark phase in our time is when billiards was so sensationalized that almost all boys from our school wanted to be the next Efren “Bata” Reyes. Like the precedent mushrooming of internet cafes, pool houses were everywhere. Kids cut class and don’t eat at all because they spend their baon on pustahan (betting) and hours worth of table rent. All in the name of their dreams of becoming a world renowned poolmaster. Where are they now though? Working at SM I guess.

There were much ballyhoo when the world knew that Bill Gates is an undergraduate. I remember reading that article here years ago. Imagine, you’re on top of your game even though a diploma is missing from your wall postings.

That’s the problem. Bill Gates was very much equipped when it came to computers. What people did was ride on the passing fad. Computer Science became the “it” course and schools like AMA and STI sprung everywhere. What the student’s interests weren’t important. Like the old saying goes, if somebody can, then why can’t you? That’s one big bull.

Conflict arises when one is pushed too much to do something his/her heart is not into. And believe me, the rate of college drop outs is also partly due to incompatibility with the course students are taking.

The government isn’t also too keen on making education sound as important as it should be. All we hear is the economy is good, but most of the jobs offered are contractual and don’t even offer competent compensation packages. C’mon Gloria, employment rate may be up, but I know that these won’t be the types of jobs to support one person thru his lifetime.

Just weeks ago, my Uncle was here and told me he’ll support me if, and only if I took up nursing; which is a terrible idea. I am not the Nursing-kind. I don’t even wear white. Had I realized my true love for hospitals, I may have just pursued my Chemistry course; but I didn’t.

My mom is telling me to go back to school and at least finish something. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. But right now, I recognize the importance of having a degree. It is easier to get a job, because a degree manifests a person’s drive to achieve the graduate-status. That says a lot. I’m dead serious in completing my levels in Instituto Cervantes, not because it’s an “in” thing, but it’s something I’m passionate about. In a month I’ll be 24, and I’m challenging myself to get that diploma before I hit the big 3-0.

I don’t want to write about the same problem in the future. Nor do I want this to happen to others. I had dreams, big dreams. But I was swayed by my lack of concentration. I let one problem after another affect my disposition on things. As cliché as it sounds, I will change a lot if I was given the chance to go back in time. Now I understand why diplomas gather the walls of Filipino families. It’s a sign of being able to achieve a lot despite circumstances surprising us like thieves in the night. It is not just a piece of paper, but a symbol of pain-staking years of studying to be at least good enough to get that dream job. Jobs that pay the rent, bring the food to the table, and finance our pension plans. One day I’ll be able to hang that diploma on our wall. And smile because I finally got what I needed the most. Education.

What to do with ex-cess baggage

What to do with ex-cess baggage

When I read Pam’s email that 2bU! will now devote space for relationship issues, I was more than excited to help out. After years of reading Dear Abby and worshiping Sex and the City, I’ve tried dabbling, not meddling, into my friends’ relationship woes from time to time; and give them my two cents worth, whether directly from me or borrowed from Abby and Carrie.

This afternoon, I sent a group message to my younger circle of friends asking them for any question or advice they might be needing my assistance with. For hours, I felt like the boy who sent out tons of invitations for his birthday party, and feared no one will come.

Luckily, my trusty best friend Ivy replied to my SMS, but asked me the most uncomfortable question to date: is it okay to be friends with an ex?

Number one, I knew the story of their on-again, off-again status; until it reached the climax just before 2007 ended. For more than three years, we never ran out of time to talk about what’s happening to them. There was even a time when I was accused of imposing myself too much on Ivy, which prompted me to be the silent listener and never let her boyps (that’s how we label our boyfriends) know ever again that we are talking about their sitch. Up until the time they officially broke up, I didn’t offer any words of wisdom to her boyps, and played it cool whenever our org meets up for dinner or drinks.

Secondly, I have a huge discomfort for being friends with exes. Most of my partners weren’t my friends B.C. (before commitment). There’s the occasional bump-into at malls or at RCBC but honestly, tension hangs around whenever I’m in the same enclosed space as they are. I even have this thing with replacing my number every after break up. What’s worse is being in the same event as they are, because there’s no way to escape stares and teases by friends who think it’s funny to put me on the spot.

But that’s just me. What about the others? Outside my personal bubble, I see a lot of people still having coffee with their exes, some are even godparents to the offspring of their pasts, without being tense.

I started to wonder, like TV series, when cast issues arise, can one be placed on just a recurring role or do we simply ax the ex?

In Ivy’s case, it would be very difficult to shun Jerry off of her life because they’ve been together so much that she’s introduced him to almost all of her posse. Even her high school batchmates are close to boyps already. Just one text from a college orgmate, we’d be at Napoli’s, but of course it’s rude not to invite one or the other. We even have this friend Claire, who reminded us there will be no Roger-and-Claire text messages anymore after their break up; meaning everytime we invite them for activities, we have to text them separately.

However, there are also cases where the split up was a mutual thing. These are the types of relationships that just “lost the spark.” No matter how much the couple tried to salvage whatever’s left, nothing else could be done. Some started out as friends, fell in and out of love, in that order; and yet still considered having each other in their lives. This is the type of compatibility that was harbored by both persons who realized the friendship should be cherished despite what happened in the past. That sounds incredulous, but the second chances handed out by these peeps are well thought of, and defies judgment by people outside the relationship.

I honestly don’t know couples who are like that; hence, no one has influenced me in being barkadas with former paramours. With my exes, when I see them, I can chat for five minutes; but I’ll never spend the entire lunch hour with them. It’s like this, they can ask for a puff, but I’ll never share the whole pack.

Aside from the nature of the relationship the whole time people are together, the actual breaking up can leave emotions kept inside for the rest of their lives.

I know a “nameless” friend whose soon-to-be-ex was in a financial rut that she decided to lend her own for-emergencies ATM so boyfriend will have something to use “in case of emergencies.” Come break-up time, there was a return-all-stuff-ceremonies and the ATM came up. When girlfriend checked the balance, it turned out negative, she found out she now owed the bank 400 bucks. So every time we go to dinner, I have to be there with my “nameless” friend so as she can avoid any alone time with ex and discuss money that matters.

Another couple I’ve heard of though, after three years of literally being together almost every day of the week, split up for no deeper reason than the girl felt they were just really meant to be friends. For other people, this may cause trouble and animosity, but the guy was so mature he just let her go. Ex-boyfriend went on a cruise around the world as part of his job as a photog, and when he came home recently, their barkada went out for drinks. When ex-girlfriend arrived, she just gave ex-boyfriend a hug and everyone just smiled. Despite the jeers, they even sat next to each other and exchanged stories about their current lives.

Apparently, there is no definitive answer on whether or not to keep exes in circles of friends. For me, a relationship ends where there is no more love nor respect for each other. If we were never friends B.C. and things never worked out, how else will we go post break up? For optimists, the fact that they used to say I love you’s to each other manifest the importance of the ex to their lives; and no matter what caused the split up, retaining the friendship is the most civil way of dealing with each other. What’s my advice for the day? Weigh things first. If keeping him/her close would trigger negative nostalgia, dump him to Farawayland. If having him around means someone is there for a shoulder to lean on and would know you very well to understand you, then let him stay. Just not in your bed.

The Online Diaries

The Online Diaries

With technology’s arrival also came lightened work and activities for us. Most of the mundane things that we do have been easier, as compared to what we did before. We can now pay our bills online, play tennis at the comfort of our living rooms or see someone halfway around the world in just one click. A lot of us have succumbed to this lifestyle that the personal stuff we do have also incorporated technology into it, no matter how simple it is.

One good example is the meteoric rise in popularity of the weblogs, or what we call blogs, simply. The author is guilty of indulging himself in to this trend. Blogging (yes, there is a verb for it), or creating online diaries, is one pastime that has caught a lot of buzz in recent years.

It is very easy to set one up, even network sites offer this option when signing up. The most popular ones nowadays include livejournal, blogspot and Friendster. Templates that suit personalities and moods are available, adding up to the aesthetics of the page. Bloggers (people who blog) can also upload pictures and music, that show a lot about the person.

Visiting one’s blog will make the reader feel closer to the one who posts because not only day-to-day activities are written in, but thoughts and opinions about anything and everything under the sun too. One day, the blogger may write about her sick cat, and then the next day rant about the rice crisis in the Philippines.

Blogging is one good exercise for budding writers who have no other outlet but the internet. When not able to write for a daily or a magazine, bloggers can freely express their feelings or other trivialities in their pages.

Some have been very popular that businesses actually advertise on these blogs. Good business for someone who just sits at home and thinks aloud through cyberspace. Hits (or visits to the page) determine how many people read and enjoy one’s online diary.

But like other things, blogs have a downside to it too. If you put too much information, then privacy will be a big problem. Stalkers may arise, and since heart and soul is expressed in these blogs, all the more for stalkers to feel close and related to the blogger.

Another is since anyone can write anything in it, misinformation and defamation can cause trouble for a lot of people.

Even so, one can not deny the surging popularity and necessity blogs make people feel. Serious matters may arise, but expression of thoughts and the fact that people hear one’s voice with just one click of a mouse are the most important things for bloggers.

Here at Spiff We encourage everyone to go on and start their blogs. We will be featuring sites that are worthy of people’s time, whether for serious stuff or just plain entertainment. Freedom of expression has never sounded this good, so go forth and blog away!!

For this week, we have two blogs that are related by location but not by blood. One is by a native, the other is by an expat. These two people are geographically close, but by heart are separated by miles.

Let’s start with Authored by Paulo Vinluan, this site is just like any normal blog that we have. He sometimes writes anything that interests him while still struggling as an artiste living in a foreign land. Lucky for him, New York City IS the art capital of the world.

(Disclaimer: Paulo Vinluan is a graduate of the University of the Philippines-Diliman under the Certificate of Fine Arts. He has done a few solo exhibits for his paintings and even extended some of his work into fashion. He currently lives in Brooklyn.)

What’s amusing about his blog is that he puts a lot of pictures to have better understanding of what he writes about. The artist that he is, his photos are sometimes as simple as showing a tag on a kerchief that he has; while the others are creative shots that demonstrate his mad skills for capturing beauty in almost anything.

As a Pinoy wandering the busy streets of NYC, Paulo also takes readers to spots related to the art world. He often writes about the MOMA or the Museum of Modern Art, which did a run of the proudly Philippine made indie flick, Ang Kubrador. Paulo even showed the ticket that he got when he attended the film premiere. Sometimes, even streets mentioned in NYC-based TV series (e.g. the iconic Sex and the City) occasionally pop-up like Bleecker St.

Moreso, lomo lovers may quickly relate to the style that Paulo does whenever he takes pictures of his subjects, always going for that un-stylized feel of photography. Some of his latest additions are of a Cadbury Crème Egg and a donut from the Doughnut Plant.

Apparently, though immersing himself with the New Yorker lifestyle, Paulo still misses the life that he left in Manila. There’s one entry that shows a screenshot of him speaking to a family member thru webcam, with his feline friend on his arm and their Choco dog on the other end. He alludes to a lot of Filipino related trivia, like having a Love Bus token, which was one of the main means of transportation in the not-so-busy-yet streets of the Metro (Manila, that is) during the late 80’s; and implying how Pinoys would giggle when hearing a fashion brand named Peck & Peck.

His entries are filled with personal touch and; mostly about his life adjusting to a different environment and dealing with homesickness. Art enthusiasts will better relate to this page and readers will be able to feel that it is clearly targeted on the author’s circle of friends and family. There’s not much saving-the-world posts, but it’s always fun to view others’ lives and adventures as they struggle their way to the path they’ve chosen for themselves.

Another blog from a certified New Yorker is It would be very difficult to classify what Kenneth Walsh has, because it is a hodge podge of interesting and thought-provoking entries. As he describes himself: “Writer/editor living in Manhattan (so you don't have to). My blog covers pop culture, politics, books, celebrity, music, tennis, New York City, homos, small adventures and is filled with writethrus galore ...

The author is apparently gay, but his entries are far more wider in content than any other gay blogger people might know of.

First, of course, are the pictures of hot, hot men: clothed or not, still smoking hot. Perfect for any hot blooded female (or male, yes), he has magazine spreads readily available in his post so we could see what lies beneath the pages of glossies that don’t even reach the Philippine shores.

Secondly, he also has this apparent liking for tennis ace Andy Roddick, who, most of the time, appears shirtless and uber cute.

Like the first blog, Kenneth also includes details about himself and his family, with the occasional pics of kids and childhood memories. Aside from photos of his kindred, he also uploads pictures he may have liked just for the heck of it. On Easter this year, he posted a picture of a cute kitten and after that was a 3D image of bunnies performing pole dances for yellow walruses. Imagine.

Aside from the perky pics, Walsh also dabbles in high society tidbits. There are entries about politics, especially right now, where primaries to look for the nominees for the next leader of the free world will be held in the months to come. One might find quick notes on people from showbiz, sports and celebutantes.

Far from Gossip Girl though, the seriousness of his entries also appear from time to time. There are posts wherein his stands about some issues are apparent, like this: “Amazing Grays: I thought Barack Obama's speech yesterday was eloquent, heartfelt and moving. As a civil rights speech I give it a 10. As a political speech? The jury is still out.

For music enthusiasts, every now and then, he includes links to new tunes and show their lyrics, too.

It will be difficult to put Kenneth in the 212 in one category because of the vast roster of things he writes about. Though some are very racy, he veers away from the “gay” stuff most of the time and inserts period-dictating bits to make everyone be in the know.


Me and my dad

I’ve finished half a pack of Luckies, still thinking about what to write about the man I’m supposed to call father. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not like any other rebellious teenager out there exhibiting the i-hate-my-parents angst.

Truth is, I’ve seen my dad lesser than I’ve seen my Math 17 professor, and I’ve talked to him less frequently than the guys I flirt with at the mIRC. Let’s call him an “absentee” father.

For backgrounders, my family’s kind of abnormal. My dad is in the States with his other family, my mom in Germany with hers, and I stay here with my mom’s side of the family.

Going back to my dad, I honestly don’t feel as much affection as what he says he does to me. Call me an ingrate, or simply bad, but our relationship is purely based on long distance calls or text messages; and calling him my dad may be just for formality’s sake.

I’ve heard before that he used to bet on horse races just to make sure he’d have extra money to spare and send it to me, but it’s an obligation he has to do, nothing special. It’s not that I can’t see the effort he does or exerts to make sure my future is secure, but the point of being my father is not based on these things alone.

He was never there when I had to shave for the first time. Or when I fixed my room light. Or when I was circumcised. Or when I graduated from grade/high school.

I might sound too shallow, even pointless, but a father can only be called one if he did stuff that can make him deserve the title. It’s like this: how can you be a diver if you don’t know how to dive; or why become a priest if you yourself can not fight temptation?

I’m not saying my dad is stupid. For my half brothers, he might be a good dad, but for my case, he just wasn’t there. He doesn’t know me, and vice versa. imagine his reaction when I tell him, “Dad, I’m gay.” I bet he’ll be ballistic. And that’s because he won’t be able to understand why. He wasn’t there to see me grow up, or how I developed through the years to make sure that I will be what he wants me to be.

Pardon to the other father-less people out there. I also felt what you feel so please don’t assume I’m just bitter or plain thankless.

So far, we haven’t had any huge disagreements. He still calls, makes sure he knows what’s happening but it’s not enough. Distance may be the only thing that’s literally separating us. Had he been just in a five mile radius, I may not be his reluctant full-fledged son.

If there is ever one reason for me to say I love him, it’s for recognizing me as his son, and continually checking up on me. It’s just so sad that he wasn’t here at the times he should have been here.

And only then will I strongly say that my dad is the best one in the world…

homo musings (very old post)

Homo musings

It’s been a year since I broke up with Justin. The relationship was getting pointless and had no direction back then. We never met. He always backed out on the times he promised he’d drop by Manila. However, he was surprisingly the best of all the guys that came to my life.

Until now, I haven’t found the guy who’d measure up to what we “had.” It’s so difficult looking for something unique and sincere. If only he didn’t live in Iloilo. We could have done things normal couples do when together, and not depending on our phones and the net for communication.

Days into the 14th, I remember everything I felt before we split up. The feeling of having a boyfriend, getting “I love you’s” so early in the morning, etc. The next few guys who came into my life were jerks, psychos or maniacs. I don’t know why.

Maybe it’s because I am looking at the wrong places. Chat rooms and bars. But where else could I possibly find that someone? These venues are the most probable places where I can bump into him. He may be or the dude chatting with the bartender.

I think I’ve lost my strong belief in the magic of love. I’ve been praying a lot, hoping the next day, voila, Mr. Perfect would be knocking on my doorstep. But that never happened. It will never happen. Even Mr. Right Now isn’t showing up.

All my hopes of having a man to call my own are slowly fading. The clock is ticking and my ideals of love are as good as Britney’s lip-synching. We have a small world, but love is just all around it. Not among it. Love is easy for those who are lucky to catch its showers. But for us who have to hide in the dark, nah!

On Valentine’s Day, I maybe contented with watching other couples celebrate it. Most especially the heterosexual couples. Bitterness will creep in if I saw gay couples. I swear. In my head I’d be trying to guess which month they’d break up.

The things love can do to you, ugh. And the things that will happen when you believe and expect too much, sigh. Sometimes non-believing is better than waiting forever. But then, in our case, things are always weird-er and queer-er. “Normal” is not a normal word.

Whoever said being gay is always synonymous to being happy? Darn.

Feb Hating

Where is the love????

February 14 is so not my day. After the hoopla from the holidays brought by Christmas and New Year, February brings the kind of air that is most unwelcome for me.

Once February starts, everyone goes into “in-love” mode and red is the “it” color of the month. I’d hear friends asking each other, “What are you going to buy for ______?” or “Where will you and _____ go?” It’s like, the world suddenly stopped and everything else is about dating and giving unnecessary gifts.

So love should be commemorated by the teddy bear that sits on your bedside given to you by your honeybunch a year ago? Where is your honeybunch now? With some ugly girl who likes politics and everything that used to make you sick?* Let’s say it’s the thought that counts, but then, will a stuffed toy suffice? Does it encapsulate everything, your loved one’s dreams and hopes; and does it symbolize his fervent feelings for you? It’s the kind of thinking that manifests how much we love “love” and get carried away by the feeling. Everything is magical, and each gesture is a big deal.

We spend and spend on everything Valentine’s Day. Businessmen capitalize on heart-shaped stuffs and cupids and red things and greeting cards. The week sees people busy checking out gift shops and malls, looking for what are fitting for them and their significant others. Do we have to let other people say what we want to say? Is money the operative word in a relationship?

On Valentine’s Day, reservations are made, and surprises are executed. If everybody with “that feeling” would die in an instant, the world would be glad for the extra space. Superficial is how to describe a lot of people on Feb14. Days into this day, I’d hear a lot of those “Sinong date mo next week? Hanap mo naman ako ng blind date oh. I don’t wanna spend it alone sa house e.” It’s just having a date that matters. No one doesn’t want to feel left out the next day when friends start sharing what a wonderful time they had, how nice the food they ate or how soothing the background music was.

Is it becoming a prerogative for everyone to go out on Feb14? The loser status is forged on your head if anyone happens to find out that the previous night you were at home watching Sex and the City reruns. They’d say, “Oh really? I miss Samantha and Co.” But they mean, “Ho-hum. Should I tell her Lance gave me a necklace last night?”

*pardon to Fleming and John

my other entry for 2bU! (unpublished, Wu Chun this is for you hakhak)

An Encounter with the Romantic Princes

On an ordinary Sunday afternoon, I would be holed up in my room watching reruns of my favorite shows for the nth time; and boring myself out of my wits. Today is different though, I just had the chance to meet two of the most popular poster boys of this generation: Wu Chun and Calvin Chen.

Both are members of the uber successful Taiwanese boy group Fahrenheit, which I hope to see performing on Philippine shores. They’re also the lead stars of the hottest TV show everyone is clamoring for, ABS CBN’s Romantic Princess.

Before this, I was already following another chinovela where Wu Chun was leading man to Taiwanese sensation Ella: Hana Kimi, The Original. I was unemployed at the time and I had all afternoons free just so I can watch Brian and Joey’s very quirky love story. From there, I started to veer away from the usual American shows and discovered a growing fondness for Asian romcoms (romantic comedies).

Watching these actors on TV is just a bit different from seeing them in person. Heart-warming and charming on-screen, these actors know how to tug on heartstrings armed with a glance-and-smile combo. No wonder girls of all ages can’t help but admire them, and boys get ideas on how to treat the one they are courting.

On a personal level, Chun and Calvin are like their characters in Romantic Princess in some ways. According to Calvin, like Ralph, he is very outgoing and a gentleman to all his friends and family; while Chun says that he wants to do a lot of things on his own, similar to his character. On the other hand, they too, have their own worries and problems in life that everybody else experiences.

I can say that anyone who gets close to these guys can feel the warmth and sincerity their smiles bring. I observed how they answered questions on one talkshow and noticed the level of friendship they share, and by the time I met them, I saw the same thing. Calvin is more of the animated type, and answered all questions with a smile and hand gestures. There were times when he would be teasing with Chun and gave out laughter that was so contagious. Chun is a bit laid back, and always looked into the eyes while he replied to questions. They know how to make people comfortable although they know their star status.

Another fact interesting to me is how much they immerse themselves into their roles but still keep a huge part of themselves. The friendliness they portray on TV is apparent when face to face with them, especially when they meet someone new, complete with a firm handshake.

I had fears of being snubbed, because of horror stories going around about celebrities. But talking to the two of them felt like we had known each other for years. I felt their eagerness to express themselves and it’s nice to hear all the goodness that they want to spread through their TV projects.

All in all, today went very well. Contrary to popular belief, not everyone is disappointed when they meet their heroes. I won’t be bragging much about the fact that I met them, because what fans see on TV is very much the same in person. I will continue to watch the remaining two weeks that Romantic Princess has on air, and enjoy every moment of it. And so far, this is one of the most worthwhile Sundays I’ve ever had.


Confessions of a romance junkie and a loser at love

There are a lot of love stories out there, but none of them happens to me. I live in a world of make believe, while the ratio of contentment in love to a big no is in the real world is 2:8. This is why saccharine-infested movies like Titanic or Jerry Maguire are on everybody’s lists of favorite movies: we watch these films and think that someday, somehow, a dazzling Dorothy Boyd or a natural comic Jack Dawson will come our way.

We all have our preferences, the standards we made for our future princes charming/damsels in distress and set ourselves out to go looking for them from the 6 billion inhabitants of the earth. The funny thing is, movies always have, in one way or another, the perfect leading men/ladies we wish we had in our own private movies.

For one, there’s the ditzy lawyer by the name Elle Woods. She’s rich, pretty, witty and a Harvard Law School grad: a surefire hit among guys. Forget that she wears pink all the time, it also matters that a woman has a trademark of her own, and she’s not overdoing it. And then there’s Tom Cruise’s Jerry Maguire. He’s handsome, has a good job, has a way with kids and says very Hollywood lines: You complete me.

All the things we hope we’d hear are in these movies. Who wouldn’t agree with Julia Roberts when she said, “this is my life’s happiness. I have to be ruthless.” Or when you’re about to leave, you see Mr. Loverboy at the top of the airport escalator dramatically; and as you say, “I’m surprised,” he’d reply, “I’m in love.”

Most of the time, we can just melt a la Amelie while hearing these lines. What more when Leo looks straight into your eyes, looking cutesy and all, and utters lines like: “Rose, you’re the most astounding, amazing girl, woman I’ve known. I know how the world works, but I’m too in love now. If you jump, I jump, remember?”

We ogle at the virility that is Brad Pitt. We drool after Sandra’s long locks and cleft chin. Freddie Prinze Jr. can just smile and take our breaths away. We wonder at Hugh Grant’s famous stutter and eye-flicker combo. There are a lot of them we can’t get enough of. Be it Latinos, Asians or Caucasians, whatever our types are, they just keep on coming. Whatever our preferences are, these movies have them. An attraction we can’t say no to. They have the grooming that’s perfect for our tastes. They know what look to enhance and what camera angle will sweep us from our seats. Eye candy that keeps our eyes glued to the silverscreen.

If there’s eye candy, there’s also ear candy. Who didn’t memorize My Heart Will Go On that catapulted Celine Dion to meteoric heights? Who could forget ‘Til I Hear It from You in Empire Records/Stay in Reality Bytes/You Wanted More and Sway from American Pie/Out of Reach from Bridget Jones’ Diary? Lines from these songs pull our heartstrings, put some melody in it and it will kill us. Music is a big factor in movies. That’s why soundtracks sell as much as movies on video do. And oh, who didn’t have that fantasy of being serenaded with Growing Old with You and Kiss Me and I Wanna be with You?

Speaking of fantasies, we have conjured a lot in our minds. Scenes we make-up while we wallow in loneliness. The thing with romance is filmmakers can mix it nup with any genre. The Matrix trilogy cooked up Neo and Trinity as the main love team. Amores Perros showed Octavio’s unrequited love for Olivia in the end. Adam Sandler stole our hearts in the Wedding Singer. Drew made us kilig in Ever After and Never Been Kissed. Whether you love action, heavy drama or comedy, the world is not enough to fill with and mix-match these stories of love, unrequited or not.

More important of all, our sentiments and emotions are what these flicks depict. Whether about the-one-that-got-away or childhood sweethearts or relationships in the workplace or Romeo and Juliet-ish types of love, screenwriters can come up with more and more plots that we can relate to or make us think: “Heck. I hope that happens to me”

And while the world cries or laughs with theses movies, I’ll just sulk in a corner and wait for my own Mr. Big to come. [Lord, hint! Hint!]

my soc sci 2 essays

Essay no. 1

It is so awe-inspiring to know how one idea of a person could travel thru the ages of time, and still be able to affect how each person would live and how societies would survive; like bees and butterflies to a flower, waiting for the next bud to open and serve as agents of pollination, where pollen grains transfer to different flowers and start life anew with its dramatic union with the ovule.

However true, there are some times that what we sow, we shall never reap again, due to some circumstances; in this case, when an idea is replaced by another one.

The communist ideas of Karl Marx and Engels are still prevalent with the presence of communist nations, still striving against its fight with capitalism. However, we must perceive that this idea of socialism is only ideal, but never real. But still, the Marxists would argue the greatness of his philosophical contribution.

Another one idea is that of Durkheim’s. he and his idea of friendship. This, on the other hand, still falls true, practically defining how friendship can push thru with either difference or similarity.

So does with Weber and his thoughts on Legitimate Order and Types of Authority, with his precision of determining the what’s and when’s of authority.

Ergo, this just shows how man’s intellect can be perceived. It’s either you’re still there, or you’re out. There is also a cycle in philosophy, and it’s up to the signs of the times to tell us which we should use and which we should not.

Essay no. 2

Man, being the central actors of development and drama in the stage we call the Earth, has been given the full opportunity of delivering performances which should be satisfactory to the tastes of their playwright, the Omnipotent One. Being so, each human actor is expected to give a performance worthy of a standing ovation and applaud, so as to prove his “essential” presence on the stage. But then, each actor goes thru several real-life dramas to obtain the necessary skill of internalization and understanding each and every line presented to him in the script. How? Why? I guess then, by fulfilling the capacity to know one’s perfect projections and strengths; and by fully knowing one’s self, in order to get acclaim and applaud.

It is but proper for man to know why he is here and what he is to do. No matter what his faith is or where he thinks he came from, the constant search for the true meaning of human life implies his gratitude and appreciation of the life he was given. One topic about human life that probably gets more attention is the definition of human happiness, which is the primary necessity out of the physical aspects of life.

Several thinkers have exerted effort in producing answers to this long search, and it is nice to see some similarities in each.

Each thinker presented ideas or theories that are almost perfect. Plato reckoned that happiness is achieved thru logic and reasoning, Aristotle with the nature of man.

These theories are either taken full or internalized bit by bit by man, and applied dominantly or not.

By doing so, man is like experimenting on which one of the theories would better define what life is and comes up with the perfect philosophy to live by.

my 2bU! audition entry

He stares in the mirror with intense focus. It’s as if he had been face to face with the Gorgon Medusa, almost unmoving, only able to move his eyes from time to time. He can see every curve, line and shadow present in front of him. At times, deep breaths followed by sighs will be heard, along with the babbles of the whiny deejay trying to be cute with jokes and faint steps from the room above his. Summertime has come, and although the sun is now sleeping, the dampness of the air is still manifested by droplets of saline lining his cheeks.

His room is in order, though not necessarily clean. On one part of his wall, his message board, is a post-it with words “35 more days to go! Happy 19th!” Heck, he’ll be on his last teenage year. And the pressure of graduation and independence will come. His dad called from the States just two days ago, asking about a lot of stuff, same shit. He just wishes he were with his mom in Germany, far from his dad’s contact. But he knows he won’t. He won’t leave his grandfather, not at the moment, when they’re still mourning because of his lola’s passing away. Besides, he’ll miss a lot of things about this home.

Attached on the opposite wall is the 2bu! Special “365 ways to be (totally, totally) you in 2003.” He had highlighted his favorite entries, things he have and haven’t done, like writing poetry and wearing thongs. The advertisements were covered with Christmas gift wrapper. On the wrappers he put: 1. movie premiere tickets of 8 Mile and Red Dragon he won from RX 93.1, his favorite radio station 2. tickets for Stephen Speaks’ concert at ADMU 3. a receipt from Starbucks Baguio, since Baguio is his favorite city and he loves mocha frappe so much. There’s still so much space left for other memorabilia.

Posted around the other walls and ceiling are a poster of Janet Jackson in a bikini, a Polaroid photo from their block X’mas dinner (M4, chem. Block, University of the Philippines-Diliman), a 500-piece glow in the dark jigsaw puzzle of Artemis with the moon, glow in the dark stars and moons, an American Pie 2 poster, an essay about him written by an applicant of their org (UP Pre-Medical Society) during Master-Slave Week, pictures from Charmed and Dawson’s Creek soundtrack, among others.

He left his drawer open, showing his shirts and other clothing, mostly blue. At the bottom is his traveling bag he uses during road trips to provinces with UPPMS. His bed is a bit messy, because he tried to sleep earlier; and on it is his latest issue of Chalk Magazine. At the table beside him lay the books he read just last Holy Week: Dear Abby, To Be Free, The Praying Man, E. Hamilton’s Mythology, Tuesdays with Morrie, The Alchemist and his Psych book.

Suddenly, a noisy motorcycle sped by the street. He was distracted. He had been trying to mentally speak to himself. About his problems with shifting and his dad, what their org would do with only 25 members, when would he clean his room, thinking about getting a job, how dark he became because of swimming, wondering how it feels to become a deejay, what to buy for his friend’s 22nd birthday, how much would an ice cream party for his friends cost him, how funny Anger Management was, how much calories were in his sinangag with hotdogs-eggs-oyster sauce.

He then hears Unwell, and almost bursts into tears. He’s still confused. Why in the world did bisexuality become a fact of life? He’s been interested with a certain Paulo Vinluan for a while now. He even has a picture of Paulo in his mirror, taken during Valentine’s Week by an org offering a “Crush mo Picture ko” project. He’s not even sure if Paulo can recognize him (they were Philo I classmates). He’s turned crazy he posted his poems for Paulo in school for everyone to see. And then he noticed he’s been in front of the mirror for quite some time. His incense stick has been used up. He decides he’d shower first, then sleep in his favorite position, where the moon sheds light all over his naked body. Surely, he thinks, tomorrow would be another nice day for me.

And that boy… is me.

Hi! I’m so sorry because I haven’t written in prose since high school, and my copies of our high school newspaper here at home were attacked by anay, so I made my introduction my article. Hope you guys will like it.

Anyway, for particulars:

John Claude Pagdanganan May 27, 1984 18 years young 09162623928 University of the Philippines-Diliman College of Science-Nonmajor likes a lot of things wrote for schoolpapers in high school and elementary just ask me questions na lang.


Gotta turn the computer off.

God bless you people.

some of my old entries

My room isn’t clean yet, my whole academic life is on probation, the freaking fan isn’t working and I’m turning 19 next week. Yes, I have a very sunny life ahead of me. I’ve lived 18 years of existence and I couldn’t maintain “order” inside a 3 cubic meter that could pass off as a prison cell, what is that? I tried to pursue a science degree that I knew was difficult; but went ahead because I thought “What the heck, it’s chemistry, I aced it in junior high!” Huh! Who would’ve thought UP chemistry isn’t a joke to be laughed at? I don’t know a thing about appliances so let’s not go there. Hell, less than a week and I’m 19. Wow. Others might be looking forward to the idea of being in that age, but not me. Everything’s different in my case. To others it’s independence, later curfew hours, more gimik nights and increasing allowances; but not me.

I don’t know what’s wrong with growing up, but I’m dreading it so much. Gone are the days when I used to dream of that 18th candle, so I can enter R-18 movies. It’s a different ballgame here, you can vouch me on that.

With all the changes that surround growing up, and all the responsibilities piling up on my shoulders, how do you think will I rate in this test called growing up?

The freaking room may be an example of a failure, because it’s one thing that I’ve tried working on. There are stuff waiting to be cleaned, or even just placed to the laundry hamper; but I don’t seem to have it stapled in my mind to do so. I did some thinking and did I get some answers! I have a thing for mugs, glasses or whatever drinking stuff. I, myself have no explanation about this, but I guess that somehow explains some. And then I thought, maybe I’m just preparing myself for the future, only in an ugly way. You see, both my parents are abroad and I’m the only child. I’m staying right now at my mom’s parents’ house with other relatives. Ever since we were little, my cousins-all of them, for Christ’s sake- have had this stubborn manner of “borrowing” stuff from each other, including me, without proper permission. I am a man who believes in property. And I just realized that when the time comes that I have to move out, I’d have no problem figuring what’s mine to get. Selfish, yes. But foolish? No. maybe it’s just that my mom taught me well about this thing. But still, I have to practice that chore called c-l-e-a-n-I-n-g.

I must admit, it’s all my fault why my grades are digging their own graves. After being granted a non major status, I went boom! Now half my grades are failures, I just wish that the grades for the past academic year won’t reach my mom’s hands. I thought I’d make it well. But then science was not my cup of tea. Not ever. With my grades falling like a 300-pound bungee jumper, how the hell am I supposed to be allowed to shift to another course? Of course God has the answer. I hope I’d be admitted to an Arts and Letters course. I really love to write! I am no Carrie Bradshaw, Celine R. Lopez or a Pablo Neruda but I’ll try to be one! And I’ll try to be myself!

Oh. Another day had passed. It’s already 12am. I have 5 days more and I’ll be one of those adults you call. Please, no questions about maturity! It’s a totally different subject. And deeper at that. Imagine, a 19-year old who isn’t sure of graduating the year next! But hey, this is my life. This is what Providence arranged for me. But honestly, I hope it isn’t. Because it’s actually nice to know that I have a hand in weaving my life. And so far? I’m enjoying it, pass or fail!

some of my old entries

T1029 John Claude Pagdanganan article 2

Desperately dealing with death

I am afraid of death. My life has been an off-Broadway play for me, that imagining it ending its theatrical run gives me shivers down my scaredy-cat spine. I don’t know how many song numbers I’ve performed or how much of the audience I’ve inspired, but for sure, when the lights go out and the curtains are down for the last time, I’d be the most disappointed person in the world.

But at the course of my very young life (19 years…hehe), I’ve been through a lot of “deaths,” that witnessing them all makes me feel like getting ready for that final goodbye. Here are some of them…

Death of a person/loved one- I’ve seen a lot of relatives die, but I had the greatest shock of my life when my own Grandma Lily passed away. It was the worst event for me so far, having seen the rest of my family with beady eyes, enlarged eye bags and bitter smiles when dealing with people. Seeing my mom try to be strong was the hardest, because I knew a lot of the strength she had, she always drew from my Lola. Another was the sight of my Lolo, answering phone calls from their kabarkadas abroad and then passing the phone to us because he’ll just end up crying. I cried like a failed superstar that time, still pretending that cameras were focused at every emotion I expend, but there were none. Indeed, I didn’t need cameras. My tears fell as soon as I try to imagine her lifeless body lay there. Cold and stationary. I can just picture that same body of hers in a “palengke moshpit,” trying to get to every “suking tindera” of hers. And yet, she’s gone.

Death of a friendship- Losing my best friend at 13 was depressing. Making me question if I will be next or why him at a very young age. But what is more unnerving is when the friendship dies, with the person still breathing. I’ve known of friends who used to be so chummy they have their periods together, but were separated by some petty fights. The culprit? Miscommunication. These two girls who practically wore each other’s clothes don’t even nod at each other when meeting at corridors, nor bothering to notice the other even exists and takes up space. They could have talked things over, but they threw everything away and let anger build a huge barricade between them. Talk about unfinished business…

Death of a dream- Fear is not quite a huge factor in life. Frustrations are. Fears make cowards out of people; frustrations make them braver or worse, worse (pardon the pun!). Imagine your life’s biggest aspiration; how you prepared and persevered for it, but things never fell into place, your way, that is. These are the times that will make you ponder on things that could have happened, had Fate been dutiful to your wishes. These are the things that will make you go “Ugh! Not me. Never. Swear. But I wish it were…” You’d have to be strong enough to combat this, because soon you’ll be thinking, you lost something you never had…

Death of a pet- Yeah, yeah, the literal death can make you feel dejected, but there’s more to losing your pet animals. In my case, most specially. I’ve had three hamsters: Buster, Aaliyah and Marco. They were cute and all, making the darnest things I laugh at. Like one time, I was playing with Buster on my bed and then he just peed, at my freshly ironed pj’s! When they died, it made me wonder if I were a good owner for them. I never brought them to the vet, because I thought they were perfectly well. Until I see them stiff and cold, it’s then I realize not all I thought was enough. That there are things I have to pay attention to. That there are things I’d really regret.

Death of trust- Trust is a big thing. It’s synonymous with faith. What if nothing good happened to all of us? Just bad, bad, bad? What do you think will happen to God? Everything will be disregarded. He will even be forgotten by all the people who considered him their Savior. On a more realistic note, take the case of PGMA. She promised last year she wouldn’t run for presidency on the 2004 Elections. But she retracted her statement, and opted to pursue her bid for a second term. Critics said she was baloney. Hello? This is an advantage to them. How else will she convince the populace that she didn’t lie per se? That she wants to serve the people more? She was called a liar. Not fit for someone who governs the republic, right?

There are other things worth noting, but right now, these are the most possible ones to think of. Everything about death isn’t just creepy. There’s also an advantage. It’s a venue for reform, for meditation and for molding your future. There are realities checked, things realized and lessons learned. It’s only up to us how we deal with it: whether we lord over it, or die with it. What do you think?

my current favorite song :)


Lily Allen

When you first left me I was wanting more
But you were fucking that girl next door, what cha do that for (what cha do that for)
When you first left me I didn't know what to say
I never been on my own that way, just sat by myself all day

I was so lost back then
But with a little help from my friends
I found a light in the tunnel at the end
Now you're calling me up on the phone
So you can have a little whine and a moan
And it's only because you're feeling alone

At first when I see you cry,
yeah it makes me smile, yeah it makes my smile
At worst I feel bad for a while,
but then I just smile I go ahead and smile

Whenever you see me you say that you want me back
And I tell you it don't mean jack, no it don't mean jack
I couldn't stop laughing, no I just couldn't help myself
See you messed up my mental health I was quite unwell

I was so lost back then
But with a little help from my friends
I found a light in the tunnel at the end
Now you're calling me up on the phone
So you can have a little whine and a moan
And it's only because you're feeling alone

At first when I see you cry,
yeah it makes me smile, yeah it makes my smile
At worst I feel bad for a while,
but then I just smile I go ahead and smile

lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala lalala

At first when I see you cry,
yeah it makes me smile, yeah it makes my smile
At worst I feel bad for a while,
but then I just smile I go ahead and smile


so far..

the last time i was here, i promised to do a lot of things, but didnt, coz i had to go poo poo hakhak.

so here's a continuation..

a month ago, i did the impossible, watch the olympics religiously. it's quite known that i never really enjoyed any sport except for badminton. and any contact sport is a no no for me. growing up, im used to staying in the sidelines cheering for friends and relatives. the most physical activity that i do is hold a book, while laying down.

so the beijing olympics came and went, and i have two athletes that i really enjoyed rooting for. number one is that diver mitchum. i forgot the spelling and his first name, but he's really awesome. all the while i thought that the chinese were to dominate the event, until mithcum made that last dive and wowed everyone. i technically dont know how to describe it, but i think it was "clean." none of that sidesplash that sounds funny and looks messy that we all do, let alone me. number two is kosuke kitajima. this japanese swimmer is a stunner! first time i saw his face, i knew it was worth watching all events he was in, and going home very early from work. maybe it's the cute demeanor or the seemingly sheepish gaze he does when being being awarded medals, but he definitely caught my eye. i was crossing my fingers hoping japan would win the medley relay, but michael phelps' team was better. i gushed as kitajima tried his best to lead his team in his laps, but then, no luck.

talking about being starstruck, now that im working at the ABS CBN compound, it's a given that i might bump into several Kapamilya stars. ive seen some: chad peralta, edu manzano, rica peralejo, john james uy. there's one person who really had me melting: alex anselmuccio. much like kitajima, when i saw alex, he was just walking around mini stop, maybe waiting for somebody to pick him up. he was so cute albeit low profile! i giggled like a little girl and whispered to my batchmates how cute he looked. argh. i think i love him. wahaha!

despite enslaving my ass to working again, i still find time to go out with old friends. yeah, old. my PMS batchmate nikka tejada celebrated her passing the boards last saturday, sept 6 at their house. i havent seen her for a very long time, and im glad that she's done with this med thing. hahaha. she surely gained a lotta weight, and it's too bad we didnt get to talk a lot. after that, olive, ge and me went to ge's pad to play tong its and drink wahaha. i really miss the old old days. good thing i have pictures to remember those days.

okies. gotta go soon. ill just post some pics in a jiffy. :)