what's going on?

what's going on?

surely everyone i know would ask me this if ever they bumped into me in a mall or somewhere else.

so, what's up with me?

i live a monotonous life.

i wake up late afternoon. eat with my housemates. prepare for work. wait for the company shuttle. punch in. patrol the floor. do errands for big bosses. sleep during lunch. eat or smoke on breaks. go home.

i am tired. i am bored.

that's why everytime i can, i go to manila. i try to escape from monotony. sometimes i hope i could just leave everything behind and try to live a normal life. or study. or go on a long vacation. which i know i cant. im trapped in this kind of life. having nights out with old friends is a luxury i indulge every now and then. i miss my past life. where everything wasnt too serious.

but now, i face everything on my own. sure, i have my blessed housemates, but i cant burden them with my troubles. i can whine. but i can not explode.

i look into the future, and i get scared. what will i be in the next five years? where will i live? where am i working? who are my friends? will i still be fat? will i be studying by then? who will be my partner? have i paid c***bank in full at that time? will i still be with my marlboro lights?

everything's unsure. all depends on how i would see things in time. and that's what's scary.
if someone asked me if i were happy, it would take me as much as a minute before i could reply. right now, i dont know if i am. doing the same things everyday is making my mind numb. and dumb. lately, no one has ever told me i was smart. or that i talk sense. in g4m, someone even told me flat out that i should lose weight. harsh! wrong!

in my face.

imagine being a bright eyed debutante about to open her presents, only to find out all her friends and relatives gave her exactly the same pair of shoes. same color, heels, fabric, straps, etc.

anyone can predict my day. like rex telling bree what's the last piece of silver she'd be polishing for the day.

i cant complain. i chose this life. i couldve done something else. i couldve chose to go the other way. but i didnt.

in retrospect, my life before was unplanned. everything was spontaneous. i had no work that left my hands tied. i had no bills to pay. i had no schedule to follow. i had the liberty to spend my parents' money. i had no boyfriend to attend to. everything was crazy. but perfect.

aaargh.

"i want a man, not a boy who thinks he can..."