nothing much. just my thoughts and any triviality i encounter. prepare to be bored by my usual whines about single-"blessedness" and age problems. and oh, did i mention relationships?????

Friday, December 26, 2003

the past few days have been one helluva roller coaster ride. xmas day saw me spending it with fudge. some of our friends weren't around. before xmas, i was actually brave enough to join our batch's xmas party at thor's. gosh, i swear, it was very difficult dealing with the jests. pero what can i do? one more thing, i met this guy, whom i like though he isnt chinito. we were to meet at xmas midnight, and then his buddy texted me telling me that they were in bed together. haha. spare me the details. hahah. im supposed to be bitter but im thru being 1. congratulate me. woke up at 3pm on xmas day. went to my tita's house and gave them my gifts. hehehe. nighttime, i went to M's house. i thought it was just me, him and J, his lover. but much to my surprise, around 5 other people were there. they are the people like me. haha. they were cute guys with super nice arms and everything in between (legs!). even M was there. oh my God. that night was crazy. watched a video with J and drank tequilla with them. we went to Bed in malate. omg, these people i was with were literally kissing each other (smack) and speaking the gay-est language i could hear. and they all look like men!!! darn. theyve known each other for a while. even M. all night, i learned things i never knew about him. he even kissed me! he even told me a secret he thought i wasnt supposed to know but then he doesnt know i know it na. whew! hirap nun ah! he was totally a different person. even M and J. well, that was my first girls' night out. hahahaha! bed wasnt what i thought it could be. haaay.

dce26- went home early afternoon na. got news that my lolo was in an accident. i was so worried. now he has to undergo operation. and im fearing if he becomes like nanay when she died, it would make me go crazy. i love him so much. he myt be strong physically, but then i know what he feels when we assist him when he has to pee, or help him to eat. it's so disheartening. tomorrow i might drop by the hospital again. hmm. may cute doctor pero i just want to help tatay out. i realized that for the first time, i was actually craving for a family to raise. darn it. and it was my first time to assist someone to pee. weird feeling. one funny moment: when he said he wanted to pee, i went to the bathroom to kunwari wash my hands, tita bebot looked away and kuya O was the only one left to do the job. hahahaha! anyway, tomorrow would be more fun, i guess, though i dont really like hospitals. darn it.

Monday, December 22, 2003

it's been a while. haha. what's up with me? im renewing my relationship with God. ive been going to church lately. been trying to escape from pms people. i am still a virgin and i think that's good. couldve done it tonight but then, my conscience got the best of me. so A isn't really A, his name is B. i want to call him a bastard but i cant. why? coz the guy's taken already!!! well, i promised i wont be bitter so id stop from here. xmas is days away and i dont want to feel hatred for some people. im better off smiling. balik na lang sa dati. smile even though im hurting. ganun naman talaga. and oh, the guys from high school know na. and man, im excluded from the group already. see? it is difficult. but then i have to survive. my first aim at a serious relationship and then this happens. darn it. hmmm. no more rants!!! this day was good. saw a lot of cuties! hahaha. shit. ive been a bitch these days. grrr. bahala na.

Sunday, December 14, 2003

i am tired. of ranting. of causing my own miseries. i am doomed. if i dont stop. which is why i have to. i dont wanna cause my self more trouble. i ahve to stay away for a while.

Saturday, December 13, 2003

i have a terrible confession and a terrible secret.

secret- my journal will be the only one to know. not here.

confession- i am a total bitch. ive been whining a lot i forgot the people i whine about do have lives that may be affected by my actions. gets?? it's not healthy anymore e. it's self destructive and may well affect others so much.naiirita ko with myself. im insensitive. bitchy. i dont stop. pero right now, im trying to restrain myself from doing more damage. and so fra, im doing ok. havent whined so much. havent thought bad thoughts for a while. tangina. Lord, give me naman a moment of total bliss. kahit one minute lang. i am a different person from what i was half a decade ago. im too young for this! what the hell is happening??? i need to search my soul again. just me and me. away from people.

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

this day is full of surprises. first M gave me a half hug kanina. then a high school classmate, Ma, came here sa natcafe!!!! oh my God. spent the whole morning at nikka's. just chilling out. birthday ni S and I ngayon. PMS is doomed. with the treatment of other mems, kawawa na kami in the future. hmph. i promised. i wont rant too much.

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

the past few days have been insignificant. except for some.

saturday- A's birthday. she is one of my closest friends. a barkada since high school who can't help but make missed calls all the time though she knows i hate it so much. we ate a lot. sayang, she could have invited more people from high school. anyway, she had one cute friend. the funny thing is, her cousin asked N, my best friend, if we were together. N, being a friend, said yes. then cousin asks a lot of questions. are you sure? isnt he a bit soft? who is he talking to the phone? is he courting anyone on the phone? is it a girl? he asked in a very low voice. i was busy talking to O at the phone to notice. anyway, i was a bit mad about it. why dont he just ask me? or is he manifesting that macho shit trying to prove by implying someone else with a weaker sexuality should always be announced to the whole world? grrr. macho shit. i hate that. is it difficult to ask someone he's gay? well, unless it's rupert everett, good luck. and why oh why in front of so many people? cant u just corner one guy and ask him? if he is pissed, fine, engage in a fight. at least no one knew. darn. wont rant a lot about that.

anyway, this morning i resolved not to rant about a lot of stuff. it's boring me. especially about boys? arrgh. this will be the last time id say the world is cruel coz all the "mabait" (read:ugly) people get them!!! im not too cute myself, but then im basically not a bad person! i know this whining wont get me anywhere but you have to ask God why "mabait" people get them a lot? grrr.

have a new crush. brent javier. i love him.

this just in. someone asked me to marry him. eeek!

silvermetallicwolf: cool.. if you will be bottom, and if you don't do drugs or smoke... I can marry you and you will live with me in Norway
silvermetallicwolf:
silvermetallicwolf: You like ?
coffeeboyyy: haha
coffeeboyyy: nice idea
coffeeboyyy: lolz
silvermetallicwolf: great
silvermetallicwolf:
silvermetallicwolf: Nakapunta ka na ba sa Norway ?
coffeeboyyy: not yet
silvermetallicwolf: ok
coffeeboyyy: why would you want to marry me? hehe
silvermetallicwolf: because you look cute you got nice brown skin, sexy full lips to kiss all evening and a nice warm smile..
coffeeboyyy: haha
coffeeboyyy: thanks
coffeeboyyy: im flattered
silvermetallicwolf: walang anuman
silvermetallicwolf: I would be proud to marry a nice young man like you
coffeeboyyy: whoa
coffeeboyyy: thanks

and guess what? he's not that good looking. he isnt. i swear. believe me!

Friday, December 05, 2003

there's someone creeping me out. i was chatting, and then he said, ganda ng music noh? eeeew. gives me the creeps. i hate psychos.

Thursday, December 04, 2003

there are a lot of love stories out there, but none of them happens to me. i live in a world of make believe, while the ratio of contentment in love to a big no in the real world is 2:8. this is why saccharine-infested movies like Titanic or Jerry Maguire are on everybody's list of favorites: we watch these films and think that someday, somehow, a dazzling Dorothy Boyd or a clumsy cutie Jack Dawson will come our way.

we all have our preferences, the standards we made for our future prince charmings/ damsels in distress and set ourselves out to go looking for them from the 6 billion inhabitants of the earth. the funny thing is, movies always have, in one way or another, the perfect leading men/ladies we wish we had in our own private movies.

for one, there's the ditzy lawyer by the name of elle woods. she's rich, she's pretty, witty and a Harvard Law School grad: a must have for most guys. forget that she wears pink all the time. it also matters that a woman has a trademark of her own, and she's not overdoing it. and then there's tom cruise's jerry maguire. he's handsome, has a good job, has a way with kids and says very hollywood lines: you complete me.

all the things we hope we'd hear a lot are in these movies. who wouldn't agree with julia roberts when she said, "this is my life's happiness. i have to be ruthless." or when you're about to leave, you see mr. loverboy at the end of the airport escalator dramatically, and as you say, "i'm surprised." he'd reply, "i'm in love."

most of the time, we can just melt a la ameliewhile hearing these lines. what more when Leo looks straight into your eyes, looking cutesy and all, and utters lines like: "rose, you're the most astounding girl, woman i've known. i know how the world works, but im too in love now. if you jump, i jump remember?"

we ogle at the virility that is brad pitt. we drool after Sandra's long locks and cleft chin. freddie prinze can just smile and take our breaths away. we wonder at hugh grant's famous stutter and eye flicker combo. there are a lot of them we can't get enough of. be it latinos, caucasians or asians, whatever our types are, they just keep on coming. whatever our preferences are, these movies have them. an attraction we can't say no to. they have the grooming thast's perfect for our tastes. they know what look to enhance and what camera angle will sweep us from our seats. eye candy that keeps our eyes glued to the silverscreen.

if there's eye candy, there's also ear candy. who didn't memorize MY heart will go on that catapulted Celine Dion to meteoric heights? who could forget til i hear it from you in empire records/ stay in reality bytes/ you wanted more and sway from american pie/ out of reach from bridget jones' diary? lines from these songs pull opur heartstrings, put some melody in it and it will kill us. music is a big factor in movies. that's why soundtracks sell as much as movies on video. and oh, who didn't have that fantasy of being serenaded with growing old with you and kiss me and i wanna be with you???

speaking of fantasies, we have conjured a loy in our minds. scenes we make up while we wallow in loneliness. the thing with romance is filmmakers can mix it up with any genre. the matrix trilogy cooked up trinity and neo as the main love tyeam. amores perros showed octavio's unreciprocated love for olivia in the end. adam sandler stole our hearts in the wedding singer. drew made us kilig in ever after and never been kissed. whether you love action, heavy drama or comedy, the world is not enough to fill with and mix-match these stories of love, unrequited or not.

more important of all, our sentiments and emotions are what these flicks depict. whether about the-one-that-got-away or chilhood sweethearts or relationships in the workplace or Romeo and Juliet-ish types of love, screenwriters can come up with more and more plots that we can relate to or make us think, "heck. i hope that happens to me."

and while the whole world cries or laughs with these movies, ill just sulk in a corner and wait for my own Mr. Big to come. [Lord, hint! hint!]

musings of a romance junkie and a loser at love [jaycee, december2003]

i am not yet supposed to write but i had to. darn. monday saw me dating a guy i don't really like. you know tyhose times when you really miss something (in my case, kissing) and when you see a chance at it, you are with the wrong person, at the right time, at the right place??? grrr. i won't elaborate.

tuesday was kinda ok. missed half of my class to be with PMS. aargh. priorities!!!

i told A about how i feel. i think i made myself seem to forward. i shouldn't have but i had to. im not in the mood to tell a lot here. ill just check my journal.