i'm never gonna be a bitch again. i swear.

hay. i'm so fickle. should i play or not???

i don't wanna be a whore again. my bitchy days are supposed to be over. darn it.

i'm back to chatting again! darn it. im a loser baby. kill me!!!

i think i'm starting to like this guy. course i won't mention his name or where i met him. haha. my journal does. he's kinda cool. not my usual type. but i guess he's okay. im not dropping hints. i might make a fool out of myself again. haha. no one knows yet who he is! hehe. i miss my long hair. darn. im going home in a while. got no money. got no credits. got no internet card just in case i'll be bored this weekend holiday. got no new cd's. darn. im not eating. haha. i wanna be a dj!!! course ill make demo tapes. im thinking about not going to school this sem and just work. i think it's better since i cant shift yet. darn. i dont wanna be old. but i dont wanna die yet. my life isnt complete yet. no great love yet. havent found my own mr.big yet. see!!! my life is full of 'not yets.' aarrrggghhh!

october 27- just when i was thinking who was gonna be my leading man in my private porn movie, my high school friends called me up. at 10pm, i was over at my friend's place already. geez, i was supposed to be sleeping. it was my friend's birthday and i didnt receive the usual phone call days before so i thought there was no celebration. after downing 4 cases of colts, we decided to go to boardwalk/roxas blvd area. the place wasnt really glamorous, but nice for quiet talk and strolls. i think we talked about a lot of things that night. like how my high school friends don't really welcome the idea of being gay. no one has ever admitted to being one to the whole class. my closest friends are the only ones who now about me being bisexual. darn. if i did tell my boy buds about this, expect my nonexistence during boys night out. it's difficult. really difficult. at least my college friends are open to the idea. not my high school friends. we talked about growing up too. argh. marriage?? me?? please. it's like asking if i can play rugby or american football. but the idea is nice. i also dream about a nice wedding for me.
a million and a half topics later, something caught my eye. (while along roxas blvd) there was this guy. jogging. he was the prototype of paulo vinluan. you know, my "the one that got away." darn it. just this weekend i promised im having closure already. but when i saw this guy, i felt different. they were both semi-kal, chinito, lean and maputi. i asked my friends to move to boardwalk. well, so i can somehow follow the guy. but we lost him. i think he lives around the area.
that's what always happens. i lose the guy. i felt so frustrated coz even just a doppleganger of paulo can make me react that way. i never told my friends i was running after this guy. of course not. i was back to my stallker days. that's what i didn't like so much. after paulo, i never knew who i was anymore. all the things i did were crazy. posting my poems in campus boards. walking after him. knowing his best friend. ugh. anyway. no more drama. geez.
october 29- i got my first credit for an article!! not really full credit. it wasn't my byline. haha. still it's wonderful! watched sex and the city last night. "cover girl" is so me. i don't know how many times ive tried to cover myself up and hide my feelings from the world. sometimes im just lucky that my friends are around. whenever i feel down, i just call them up or text them. it's therapeutic. my eyes are tired. have to go home in 30 minutes. i don't have enough money anymore. haha! my mom told me she'd cut my allowance if i withdrew money again without her permission. yikes. no whines this day.

this is my first time to do one. maybe for relaxation or just for release. my friends are busy doing their own stuff. (hmmm...errrr!) haha. O is busy with her boy. they're celebrating their 1st month. hay. after much hype and petty fights, it's nice they're still together. E is away from the world. holing up in her room. trying to get closure. good luck! darn. B is in the province. S is in her apartment. having fun with herself.
im working right now. for a broadsheet. it's been a dream. now it's reality. ha! it's nice but then... working is synonymous to growing up. O and i have been talking about it for some time now. we're at the brink of our teenage years. hey. i love my work as a writer. but still, the pressures of growing up are still implied. darn.
my mom just made another sermon about money. i won't even graduate next year. my academics are hell-ish!!! darn.
and oh, im single. still waiting for "the one."
as carrie bradshaw said, "when will waiting for 'the one'... be done???"
i thought i found that person already. but then he never saw me the way i saw him. the worst thing is i became another person. i stalked. i sulked. i whined. he doesnt know what ive been through because of him. haay. darn.
i am not eating. my weight's exceeded the number of years in 2 centuries. i lost some. im gonna lose some more!!!!