was it good for you?

a few weeks ago, after numbing my fingers trying to press the hapless remote control and looking for a channel in our not so worthy cable tv, i was dumbstruck to see familiar faces, teary eyed yet smiling, but still looking fantabulous and sexy: the girls of sex and the city.

it's been months since the last episode was shown on hbo, and i can still remember everything, every line that olive and i would talk about come wednesday morning or thursday afternoon at school. from carrie's choice between paris and new york, samantha's hot boy toy with forgettable name, miranda's softening and brooklyn (!) and charlotte marrying the man outside her dreams.

it was the farewell special, where guys, girls and gays from several eps took the time to bid farewell to one of the most engaging series of the late 90's, and the magna carta of womynhood.

but of course sex and the city wouldnt be there if all the girls weren't single and somehow miserable. they have had all the wacky men we could ever think of: the sharpeis, the small ones, the really big ones, the rabbit fuckers, clueless guys, fuck buddies, etc. and i watched in awe these womyn, who just go thru it all with a laugh, more often tha not with a heartbreak.

they were my icons. though some people attest that they see themselves in a single cast member, i saw myself in all of them.

i was a writer. i was the dreamy one. i loved blow jobs. i wanted to become a lawyer.

when i was still single, my world composed of lines from several episodes that i found to be true.. i even took pains in checking out all the quotes from each episode and copy pasting them then emailing my friends.

they were my counselors, my mentors. and i was so sad that they finished already, but then the story doesnt really have anywhere to go to. they had what they all deserved. and all those six years were good enough for me

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fast forward to a few months

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was it good for you?

i am not single now. that's why my blogs were inactive for sometime. i kept thinking of changing my subtitles, but then i would lose my character if i did that.

im in a relationship right now.

and i dont know if i will stay this way for the years to come.

i feel good, but there are times that i dont know if he understands why i act a certain way. there are times when i just shut up so the convo would end, and there would be no more arguments.

i love him, and im trying to give him everything, but there are times when it seems he doesnt know me that well. i dont blame him, coz i dont know him taht well too. sometimes i think i moved in too early, but i wouldnt trade living with him for the world.

i always try to understand, but im not sure if that's what he's trying to do for me as well.

e.g. i have a great fear for hold uppers. one night we were walking thru taft, to withdraw some money which i will lend him for a batch project he volunteered to do, and he told me to go ahead and get the money while he stay at the netcaf a few blocks away from the atm spot. taft is not the safest plce in the world, so i asked him to accompany me there. he declined, saying it will be quicker if we separated, but i contested. the ending, i did not talk for a few minutes, or else we might fight again.

e.g. one time we were arguing in front of my close friend nicole, i walked away, thinking he would follow, bt he didnt. so i looked like i walked out. i didnt wanna argue in front of nicole. it was a public place. so i told him about that in a letter. the next fight, his best friend was there, and i reminded him with what happened in front of nicole but he insisted on telling me of my wrongdoings so i raised my voice and told him to stop it. that was a big fight.

case number three, the thing i hate the most, is his constant bickering about me being too young. in the first place, he knew how old i was, so he couldve said no the first time. next, he said he thought i was cool, but cant i have complaints??

im tired of hearing i am too young. like im so immature. and i dont have a point most of the time.

he doesnt know my pet peeves and he acts righteous when i get irked by stuff he does.

i know right? we are not a perfect couple, but i try to live with it everyday, hoping the next time things happen, im not the only one who should remember what not to do (like walking out, texting when about to leave an agreed meeting place at the exact time the waiting party is about to leave).

he asked me if im still happy. im not fully. we fight about boys, money, petty things..

i dont know what to do anymore to make us understand each other more and more.

there are three things im waiting for him to do:

visit my house and meet my family. sweldo is within a few days and if he doesnt ever think of dropping by my house id be completely disappointed.

post MY pic in his friendster-rehash-for-gay-people sites so that hook up wannabes will see how much he loves me(not that it will prove much, but people will see his partner, ), not just in words. (he could also delete some accounts, or change his racy profile that prompt people to mack him)

make me a testimonial. eversince we became together, he hasnt written anything about me in his testimonials. i dont know why. but it's taking him time.

i hope he doesnt wait for the time when i dont bug him anymore about stuff, or i dont sleep in h house, or i kiss him less than usual, or i simply seem to fade away, coz those are signs of me losing interest and passion.

in the end, if all doesnt go too well, and im done, i may just ask him:

was it good for you?

someone made an anonymous comment here about paulo vinluan. i hope to know you more. hehehe. my email is hot4wasteland@yahoo.com.

i watched irreversible tonight (that i borrowed from joey at anna's baby shower. hehehe. i am starting to love my new team!) it was screaming gore from the start, making me cringe as i watch someone's head get smashed into pieces with a fire extinguisher. i loved monica belucci. as scenes unfolded, i cant help but feel sorry for her. she was in love but her playful bofriend was too dumb to give her what she needs: attention through literally a crowd of drunken madness. she was a woman in love, and that love was supposed to bear fruit. hay.

i cant write the full review of the film, but it's a very beautiful film. some scenes will make you grimace, but feel better towards the end. some things really are irreversible. once you decide to d something, and bad/good things follow, all you can do is take whatever comes your way and think about what to do next without being stubborn.

from xx/xy: honesty doesnt exist in a healthy relationship

i asked my friends this querry when i held my birthday celebration last last month at napoli's. much to my dismay, people were such in a jovial mood that they disregarded my asking.

it's been in my head for quite a short time. im not saying that im having problems with my relationship, but i found recently some things that will probably make you go hmmm as well.

i wont put this in my blogs to let you know my partner isnt being loyal, coz whatever i may write regarding this matter is a "non-real" problem for me, since i dont know what it really means to him. he's the only one who can drive my suspicions away.

and also, i am not snooping. i stumbled upon these facts by accident. thanks to instant "connexion."

here it goes:

i was happily surfing the net one time, (just to make it sound so unimportant, really), when i pressed abutton i shouldnt have. you see, the pc we use has this bookmarking thing, where there is a list of all sites important to him. (i wouldnt know how to do that, pc's make me crazy) i was choosing which one to use since we sometimes have the same sites. being all too clumsy, i pressed on connexion.org.

the rest of the night was confusing. i wanted to ask him right away if he were downright flirting with a certain people there. but i wasnt that brash. i wanted to see him come clean with it on his own.

some excerpts:

boyps: i need this to at least to prepare for my future.. extra income...

me: where was the "us" part? he said this to a guy named pablo. who's been "adoring" him for being such a "beautiful person."

boyps: i just try to live everyday.. try to reach for my goals now kasi dati im so irresponsible... i have learned my lesson and now im trying to fix it...
how about you? how is life for you? i bet you are a straight path type of guy! hehehe

me: very safe answers

pablo: you are your own man, ringo;and i cant help but gasped in awe how beautiful you are...
i hope to be friends with you

me: the stupid jealous me would say that is downright flirting!!!!! but the rational me would say, oh, friendly huh?

boyps: im cool.. i decided to work as customer service representative. im actually working as a freelance interior design consultant and a real estate agent.. selling condo units... i added another job since i am taking care of my godfather now. ... i have to do good.. i was looking for a direction and purpose with my life.. now i found it.. my dear old godfather... life is tough.. but im still hanging there... i just smile and say... bring it on.. heheheh

me: im not being too egocentric or whatever, but i believe he tells me i am one of the reasons he is working three jobs right now. i bet you would honestly say that to a "friend" right ? i cant put all their conversations here coz im not a complete bitch. now everthing is about his ninong. im quite confused. if you read through their messages, it's all serious: just like how we talked before. i wonder why he is opening up to this guy, and ever failing to comment on how "he is trying really hard to make our relationship work despite the tough times we have due to being both independent. i thank jaycee for coming into my life because he was there when i was feeling so down and being a dark soul."

call me self loving. call me irritable. call me stupid.

i cant understand why he would have convos like that to a person if he's not flirting "mentally."

there's also this guy carlos, who he told me wouldve been his boyfriend had i not come along. it was a message last may where he told the guy, "i miss our conversations." we were running a month back then.

there's a guy named tx who kept on telling him, "i really wanna make love to you, it'll be fun." his reply, when are you coming to manila?

i know. im nosey and i deserve slapping. i trusted him so much. so i cant believe what i read that night. do i have the right to have suspicions about these? or he is he just being too"friendly" to people?

i wanted to ask him to stop talking to these people but that would be unfair. i wanna bring this up with him but that would be a fight. i know.

one time, i was talking to a friend on the phone, WHILE HE WAS HERE, and i cant believe he had the guts to ask, "are you flirting?"

aaarrghhh.

now, i think my connection will terminate in a few minutes. hehehe. ill continue next time.

but before that, i told olive what he had to do to make me feel secure. back off talking to these people that way. he hasnt mentioned me like i was non existent in their "ringo and pablo only world." it was intellectual flirting and i dont like it.

i am jealous. coz i dont want to have any problems with him. it's unfair to him, but too bad i found out.

if he doesnt mention me to pablo anytime soon, i dont know what to do. it's either he's happy being "connected" to pablo all on his own, or he doesnt have the initiative to tell a wonderful person like pablo that he's taken. i am bad.

but i dont want him to stop communicating with these people. some of them he knew before me. but im afraid if he doesnt stop talking to them that way, ill have to live with it and die with it.

i am bad.

i am bad.