nothing much. just my thoughts and any triviality i encounter. prepare to be bored by my usual whines about single-"blessedness" and age problems. and oh, did i mention relationships?????

Thursday, February 10, 2011

random babbles: outside looking in

Outside Looking In

So I met up with an old friend this afternoon for early dinner. As a backgrounder, we used to have feelings for each other; but we never got around to being in a relationship. I can’t say that he’s the one that got away, because up to now we’re still good friends. He’s in a relationship with a guy who made him do things he used to view as unconventional, and that makes me happy for him.

After just a few minutes of talking, he dropped a bomb on me. “I think you’ve changed. You don’t have the same passion for life you used to have. You compartmentalize your life.” Okay, so I’m still riddled by the last sentence, but while we continued chatting, I found myself floating away from our conversation. I tried to recall how I was when he first met me. So carefree, so young, so fresh. I know, the old me sounds like a napkin commercial. But I realized that what he said was true.

Now, I’m just all about work. When I go home, I only spend ample time bonding with my family. With the fitness craze we have at the office, my officemates and I even met one weekend to play badminton, which means less time to spend for my other friends. And my “through the years” friends bring out the old me.

My Sex and the City days trying to be Carrie are done. I feel like a Miranda Hobbes who just met Steve. Content with one night stands, trying to surround myself with a wall. My friend, let’s call him Elmo, said this like trying to hit the bull’s eye only two feet away: “You like being good at your job, that you build a wall around you to save yourself from being vulnerable to love.” I almost cried, I just kept looking away from him. “I just don’t want you to become jaded.” Again, I looked away.

Am I on my way to being jaded and cynical? These are two adjectives I tried to shy away from. Another good friend, Olive, can attest how much I celebrated love. February was a favorite month of mine because I could see around partners doing cheesy things for each other. I have just compiled a collection of my poems about, guess what, love.

Am I just writing for the sake of writing? Will I be able to carry out the emotions I express through my poetry? When will all be real?

Just a couple of months ago I resolved to push myself into the dating world again. But I found myself holding back, always saying “I’m too busy.” Even sex was out of the question. In one post here, I mentioned how much I wanted to be lusted after, no luck there when I’m holed up in my room when I should be out meeting guys. My gay bro Ali has been dragging me to bars, but I just don’t have the courage to go around flirt, and the energy to do so.
They say the truth hurts; I guess that’s why I’m hurting. I admit that I’m the fat guy that boys run away from. What’s worse is that I don’t exert effort in running after them.

I need a man. Someone who will wake me up from hibernation. A man who will say: “It’s okay” when I say I’ll be working the whole day, won’t be texting as much but will still have him on my mind. But as Elmo put it, albeit right to my face: “Learn to compromise.” Work hard but don’t let that take time away from other important things. I’m dating someone right now, but I want to know that person fully well before I can say I “love” him.

Valentine’s Day is coming. It’s corny to think that I came out with this when my former favorite holiday is near. But I think that conversation with Elmo couldn’t have come in a better time.

Priorities set the way I live in different times. I can honestly say a relationship is not on top of my list, but I’ll try to put it up there. Hopefully I can meet someone who can be the match that lights up the fireworks inside me. By then, maybe I don’t have to be on he outside looking in.

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