nothing much. just my thoughts and any triviality i encounter. prepare to be bored by my usual whines about single-"blessedness" and age problems. and oh, did i mention relationships?????

Sunday, September 14, 2008

What to do with ex-cess baggage

What to do with ex-cess baggage

When I read Pam’s email that 2bU! will now devote space for relationship issues, I was more than excited to help out. After years of reading Dear Abby and worshiping Sex and the City, I’ve tried dabbling, not meddling, into my friends’ relationship woes from time to time; and give them my two cents worth, whether directly from me or borrowed from Abby and Carrie.

This afternoon, I sent a group message to my younger circle of friends asking them for any question or advice they might be needing my assistance with. For hours, I felt like the boy who sent out tons of invitations for his birthday party, and feared no one will come.

Luckily, my trusty best friend Ivy replied to my SMS, but asked me the most uncomfortable question to date: is it okay to be friends with an ex?

Number one, I knew the story of their on-again, off-again status; until it reached the climax just before 2007 ended. For more than three years, we never ran out of time to talk about what’s happening to them. There was even a time when I was accused of imposing myself too much on Ivy, which prompted me to be the silent listener and never let her boyps (that’s how we label our boyfriends) know ever again that we are talking about their sitch. Up until the time they officially broke up, I didn’t offer any words of wisdom to her boyps, and played it cool whenever our org meets up for dinner or drinks.

Secondly, I have a huge discomfort for being friends with exes. Most of my partners weren’t my friends B.C. (before commitment). There’s the occasional bump-into at malls or at RCBC but honestly, tension hangs around whenever I’m in the same enclosed space as they are. I even have this thing with replacing my number every after break up. What’s worse is being in the same event as they are, because there’s no way to escape stares and teases by friends who think it’s funny to put me on the spot.

But that’s just me. What about the others? Outside my personal bubble, I see a lot of people still having coffee with their exes, some are even godparents to the offspring of their pasts, without being tense.

I started to wonder, like TV series, when cast issues arise, can one be placed on just a recurring role or do we simply ax the ex?

In Ivy’s case, it would be very difficult to shun Jerry off of her life because they’ve been together so much that she’s introduced him to almost all of her posse. Even her high school batchmates are close to boyps already. Just one text from a college orgmate, we’d be at Napoli’s, but of course it’s rude not to invite one or the other. We even have this friend Claire, who reminded us there will be no Roger-and-Claire text messages anymore after their break up; meaning everytime we invite them for activities, we have to text them separately.

However, there are also cases where the split up was a mutual thing. These are the types of relationships that just “lost the spark.” No matter how much the couple tried to salvage whatever’s left, nothing else could be done. Some started out as friends, fell in and out of love, in that order; and yet still considered having each other in their lives. This is the type of compatibility that was harbored by both persons who realized the friendship should be cherished despite what happened in the past. That sounds incredulous, but the second chances handed out by these peeps are well thought of, and defies judgment by people outside the relationship.

I honestly don’t know couples who are like that; hence, no one has influenced me in being barkadas with former paramours. With my exes, when I see them, I can chat for five minutes; but I’ll never spend the entire lunch hour with them. It’s like this, they can ask for a puff, but I’ll never share the whole pack.

Aside from the nature of the relationship the whole time people are together, the actual breaking up can leave emotions kept inside for the rest of their lives.

I know a “nameless” friend whose soon-to-be-ex was in a financial rut that she decided to lend her own for-emergencies ATM so boyfriend will have something to use “in case of emergencies.” Come break-up time, there was a return-all-stuff-ceremonies and the ATM came up. When girlfriend checked the balance, it turned out negative, she found out she now owed the bank 400 bucks. So every time we go to dinner, I have to be there with my “nameless” friend so as she can avoid any alone time with ex and discuss money that matters.

Another couple I’ve heard of though, after three years of literally being together almost every day of the week, split up for no deeper reason than the girl felt they were just really meant to be friends. For other people, this may cause trouble and animosity, but the guy was so mature he just let her go. Ex-boyfriend went on a cruise around the world as part of his job as a photog, and when he came home recently, their barkada went out for drinks. When ex-girlfriend arrived, she just gave ex-boyfriend a hug and everyone just smiled. Despite the jeers, they even sat next to each other and exchanged stories about their current lives.

Apparently, there is no definitive answer on whether or not to keep exes in circles of friends. For me, a relationship ends where there is no more love nor respect for each other. If we were never friends B.C. and things never worked out, how else will we go post break up? For optimists, the fact that they used to say I love you’s to each other manifest the importance of the ex to their lives; and no matter what caused the split up, retaining the friendship is the most civil way of dealing with each other. What’s my advice for the day? Weigh things first. If keeping him/her close would trigger negative nostalgia, dump him to Farawayland. If having him around means someone is there for a shoulder to lean on and would know you very well to understand you, then let him stay. Just not in your bed.

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