nothing much. just my thoughts and any triviality i encounter. prepare to be bored by my usual whines about single-"blessedness" and age problems. and oh, did i mention relationships?????

Sunday, September 14, 2008

some of my old entries

T1029 John Claude Pagdanganan article 2

Desperately dealing with death

I am afraid of death. My life has been an off-Broadway play for me, that imagining it ending its theatrical run gives me shivers down my scaredy-cat spine. I don’t know how many song numbers I’ve performed or how much of the audience I’ve inspired, but for sure, when the lights go out and the curtains are down for the last time, I’d be the most disappointed person in the world.

But at the course of my very young life (19 years…hehe), I’ve been through a lot of “deaths,” that witnessing them all makes me feel like getting ready for that final goodbye. Here are some of them…

Death of a person/loved one- I’ve seen a lot of relatives die, but I had the greatest shock of my life when my own Grandma Lily passed away. It was the worst event for me so far, having seen the rest of my family with beady eyes, enlarged eye bags and bitter smiles when dealing with people. Seeing my mom try to be strong was the hardest, because I knew a lot of the strength she had, she always drew from my Lola. Another was the sight of my Lolo, answering phone calls from their kabarkadas abroad and then passing the phone to us because he’ll just end up crying. I cried like a failed superstar that time, still pretending that cameras were focused at every emotion I expend, but there were none. Indeed, I didn’t need cameras. My tears fell as soon as I try to imagine her lifeless body lay there. Cold and stationary. I can just picture that same body of hers in a “palengke moshpit,” trying to get to every “suking tindera” of hers. And yet, she’s gone.

Death of a friendship- Losing my best friend at 13 was depressing. Making me question if I will be next or why him at a very young age. But what is more unnerving is when the friendship dies, with the person still breathing. I’ve known of friends who used to be so chummy they have their periods together, but were separated by some petty fights. The culprit? Miscommunication. These two girls who practically wore each other’s clothes don’t even nod at each other when meeting at corridors, nor bothering to notice the other even exists and takes up space. They could have talked things over, but they threw everything away and let anger build a huge barricade between them. Talk about unfinished business…

Death of a dream- Fear is not quite a huge factor in life. Frustrations are. Fears make cowards out of people; frustrations make them braver or worse, worse (pardon the pun!). Imagine your life’s biggest aspiration; how you prepared and persevered for it, but things never fell into place, your way, that is. These are the times that will make you ponder on things that could have happened, had Fate been dutiful to your wishes. These are the things that will make you go “Ugh! Not me. Never. Swear. But I wish it were…” You’d have to be strong enough to combat this, because soon you’ll be thinking, you lost something you never had…

Death of a pet- Yeah, yeah, the literal death can make you feel dejected, but there’s more to losing your pet animals. In my case, most specially. I’ve had three hamsters: Buster, Aaliyah and Marco. They were cute and all, making the darnest things I laugh at. Like one time, I was playing with Buster on my bed and then he just peed, at my freshly ironed pj’s! When they died, it made me wonder if I were a good owner for them. I never brought them to the vet, because I thought they were perfectly well. Until I see them stiff and cold, it’s then I realize not all I thought was enough. That there are things I have to pay attention to. That there are things I’d really regret.

Death of trust- Trust is a big thing. It’s synonymous with faith. What if nothing good happened to all of us? Just bad, bad, bad? What do you think will happen to God? Everything will be disregarded. He will even be forgotten by all the people who considered him their Savior. On a more realistic note, take the case of PGMA. She promised last year she wouldn’t run for presidency on the 2004 Elections. But she retracted her statement, and opted to pursue her bid for a second term. Critics said she was baloney. Hello? This is an advantage to them. How else will she convince the populace that she didn’t lie per se? That she wants to serve the people more? She was called a liar. Not fit for someone who governs the republic, right?

There are other things worth noting, but right now, these are the most possible ones to think of. Everything about death isn’t just creepy. There’s also an advantage. It’s a venue for reform, for meditation and for molding your future. There are realities checked, things realized and lessons learned. It’s only up to us how we deal with it: whether we lord over it, or die with it. What do you think?

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