i am not in any way happy nor contented for the past few months.

february, the family was complete. but then that was because my lolo died. grrr. everything was emotional and out of place, i couldnt think straight and i just played around with the guys i met. my mom and sibs were here, to suffice. i dont know...

march came and at last i saw justin. that was the longest weekend i ever spent in my whole life. he came here for a seminar. and we spent just a few hours together. but it was all worth it. he even dragged me to divisoria, where even my mom cant force to go to. we were touchy, sweet, which made me think there was something... but again, much to my dismay, there was none.

i dont know. im always attracting drama. like nothing is gonna go right with the things i do. and the weird thing there is, i like it. i like it when im sad. i like it when im hurt, and then i rant and rant like there's no tomorrow. it seems like wallowing is something that will make me complete. honestly, im tired of it. and im trying to get some things in order, and organize a lot of stuff in my life.

one more thing. i should never complain why guys are assholes because i am an asshole myself... that's the sad realization i had when i spent one night with my ex. we were tipsy and really wanting to get laid that night, but we just ended up talking. about what happened to us, what i did to him. and i remembered how childish i was with the other guys that followed. so when it was my time to get serious, it was me who got dumped and replaced by some other guys. aaarrrgghh!!!

it's sad. but i cant complain.

and now im having the biggest scare of my life so far. i hope it's not true...

anyway, life does go on. and i shouldnt let myself be just another pebble stone being washed away into nothingness. aaahh!!! melancholy!!!!!