gay-ness does not translate to happiness

i had a conversation with a co-worker yesterday about having gay children, which kind of went to the "nature vs nurture" route, and i found myself replying with "it's a difficult situation." i was a bit vague with my answer because there are two ways to see it: difficult for the parents or difficult for the child.

i have been "out" for a couple of years, to a certain number of friends and acquaintances. heck, i can't even tell my dad that i am, and i wonder if he knows, or accepts me for that matter. i think that it took my mom quite a period of time to digest the long email i sent her years ago, because it took her three months to finally get to talk about the information i volunteered. i don't have a gauge on how hard it was for her to take. i could imagine her dreams of me being married and having children getting flushed down the drain. i felt like shit that time. i constantly checked my email to see if there was an answer to my unannounced question: would she take me for what i am?

knowing my mom, i kinda knew what the answer was. i just needed confirmation of what she felt about the topic. i guess i am lucky that i have a mother with a very open mind. this may be true: accepting that your kid is gay will take a lot of strength and willpower; but has anyone ever thought how it is for the child?

i'm always asked about this perpetual question: when did you ever know that you were gay? at this point, i wouldn't even remember the actual time i knew i was gay. but i know that in college, that was when i accepted what i was. when you are a child and people are teasing you because of the way that you talk and you behave, IT'S NOT EASY. processing all the taunting and negative comments is considered a burden for a gay child. i commend all those who realized what they are at a very early age. that means that for the long run, whatever they hear is quite normal for them already. it's more difficult for those who took a very long time before openly saying "yes, i am gay." i had to consider a lot of things: what would my parents say, what my family would say, who will take care of me when i grow old, etc. i saw myself as an abnormal person. like i didn't deserve to be happy. or i'm ashamed of what i've become.

the culture that we have here in the philippines still reverts back to the "oh-so-macho" era. and that's what i tried to follow. i had a moustache like everyone else had. i acted like a guy and hung out with mostly guy friends. but it eventually became tiring. to prove that you're a man in a daily basis is difficult.

the time that i came out was kind of good for me. being in UP was perfect, too. people say being liberal has a negative connotation. i say nay. the environment at school helped me little by little to accept myself and who i was going to become. i had that privilege, some others didn't. my friends were quick to respond about what i admitted. even my high school guy friends didn't say much. all the paranoia about how people regarded me was gone. although at times, even in the present, acquaintances still throw unconscious, insensitive comments and jokes about my sexuality. i take them lightly.

they don't know what i went through. they say they understand, but they could only sympathize. even dating in my world is very difficult. we don't adhere to the men are from mars thingy. gay people are more difficult to please nowadays. if you don't have a six pack, consider yourself as a bottom feeder, no pun intended.

i guess this is sort of my coming out piece. i must say thanks to Joan for making me think about this topic. parents are quick to think: would i be able to accept my gay child? consider the child and the hell he/ she goes through everyday. in a world where gays are viewed as handicapped citizens, the best thing that parents could do is to support the child. do not batter yourself if it was your fault or whatever. people are still debating about the "nature vs nurture" shit that's going on. unless you have a definitive answer for that, then don't make life more complicated as it is. they say life isn't easy. ask any gay man or woman, they might just give you a snap or two.